


For me, For you, For us

by Jay_Maria



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, College, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicide Attempt, University, a whole lot of pain, dan doesn’t want to be gay, i’m so mean to my children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2020-12-14 10:46:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 36
Words: 31,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21014513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_Maria/pseuds/Jay_Maria
Summary: It's Phil's first day at Uni and all he's expecting is a quiet uneventful year filled with a lot of school work, new friends, and opportunities for his future.However everything that he thought he knew changes when he meets Daniel James Howell, hands down the most beautiful person he has ever seen, Dan intrigues him from the very start.Dan however, wants nothing to do with Phil, he's hiding a few secrets of his own and he seems to want Phil as far away from him as possible.But when destiny pulls two people together, sometimes it's best not to stay away.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so this is a fan fiction that I started way back in 2015 and finished mid 2017. It deals with a lot of triggering topics and things that some readers might want to avoid. If you have any questions or feel that I left out warning please let me know in the comments below.

Time is the only real unit of measure. Time is the only way to tell if you even existed. Time creates life and it can destroy it just as easily.

Hello, my name's Philip Lester or Phil for short and today is my first day at Uni. And yes before you even ask, I am freaking out. I don't do well with new people and even though today is just an introduction day and we don't even have to go to class, I can't help but worry.   
There is supposed to be 10 people in my dorm area, 5 girls and 5 boys. Holy crap. Luckily because of the uneven number of guys I get the room to myself.  
I clench my sketchbook closer to my chest as I weave through the halls towards my dorm. I go to Manchester University in Manchester. It's a really beautiful school but until now, I've never been to a school this big and now I feel completely overwhelmed.  
It's been a really cold day so far and I'm hoping that the weather picks up later so I don't have another issue on my hands.  
My dorm is at the very end of the hallway on the right, and as I rush to turn the corner I smack right into a tall warm body, my books go everywhere, including my sketchbook, which falls open to one of my drawings. I instantly reach for it, not wanting anyone to see my personal drawings in it.  
I view my sketchbook as a part of myself, it's hard for me to express myself in real life but drawing allows me to be myself in a way that I have never been able to without it, but before I could reach it, a hand snatches it up off the ground.  
I jerk back, almost forgetting how I got into this situation, and freeze as I stare into the most intriguing pair of brown eyes that I had ever seen.


	2. 21B

I believe that there are fundamental moments in our lives that shape us into the people we are supposed to be. And in my life there have only been a few of these defining moments, and this happens to be one of them. 

He's beautiful. There's no other way to put it. Not in the traditional sense of perfect looks and an out of this world body. His eyes are a warm brown and his hair is straight and styled into a perfect fringe. He's really tall, taller than me by a little, which doesn't happen often. His lips are full and perfect- and are now turned into a frown.  
"Hey, will you fucking watch where your going?"  
"I- um- your- um-", I stutter, unable to comprehend how something so vile can come from someone so pure.  
"Will you just get out of my fucking way?" He growls, shoving my sketchbook at me and running his hands through his hair as he walks quickly down the hall, he brunches his shoulders, causing his black jacket to crinkle around them, then he disappears, looking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
A voice startles me out of my silence.   
"Hey man sorry about that, Dan can be a real asshole sometimes, it's best just to forget about it", says a boy with sparkling blue eyes and curly brown hair, " I'm Peej".  
"Phil", I say in a shaky voice, I'm still unnerved by the whole incident that happened moments ago.  
"Cool, yeah um sorry about that. How about I show you to your dorm, to at least try to make up for Dan's douche move there", he says with a smile as I hand him my papers with my dorm information.  
"21B! That's me too! It's right down this hall and to the right", he says and starts walking.  
"Thanks", I say as we walk to the dorm.

"So this is it", he says with a smile, and gestures his hand toward the door, "Welcome to my humble abode".   
Peej seems like a really nice, funny guy and I hope that we have some classes together so that we can become friends. He opens the door and we step into the hallway. It's a long narrow faded white hallway with doors on either side and a living room and kitchen area in the back as well as two doors that have a bathroom sign over them. It's all very bland and forgettable, exactly like how I imagined it.   
"This room is yours", he points to the door closest to the exit, and "This one is mine", he says pointing to a door a little farther down.  
"Thanks", I say. He smiles back and I feel the need to further the conversation, normally I would just quit talking after this and go to my room to play video games but I want to get out of my shell and make more friends, I want college to be a new experience for me, in more ways than one.  
"Who do you live with?" I ask, figuring that's a safe question.  
"My boyfriend Chris", he says in a nonchalant tone, his eyes flashing, like he wanted to clear the air and find out my reaction before continuing any friendship that might sprout between us.  
I freeze, not expecting that answer, maybe we have more in common then I thought.   
"That's cool, must be nice to live together, probably makes it easier to see each other", I say, trying to sound normal and accepting. I don't want him to think I'm homophobic or anything.   
"Yeah it does, it's a lot more convenient", he says in his upbeat way. He starts walking around the dorm, showing me where things are and where I should put my stuff. It's a rather small area but then again I didn't bring much and I like the homey feel of it. It's nice to be on my own, and I want to make something of this experience; become a better version of me.   
I feel like this could be my time, to step out of my shell and finally be myself. These last few years have been hard on me and I feel like I'm finally ready to open myself and live my life, for me.

Just as I finished putting my stuff away a couple of hours later, I hear a sharp thump against the wall. I open my door and walk outside wondering about the sound when I suddenly freeze. Dan is outside, leaning against the door on my right, making out with some chick, she has her hands all over his body and is panting like she just finished a race. Dan opens his eyes and looks up at me when he hears the door open, he disengages his mouth from hers and smirks at me while his eyes flash. He reaches behind him with one hand to unlock the door and grabs the blonde's ass with the other. She giggles and attacks his face again as he closes the door behind them and leaves me out in the hall, alone.   
I don't sleep at all that night


	3. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: intrusive thoughts, slight bullying

'Chemistry, Advanced Lit, Computer Engineering 3.' I run through my schedule mentally in my head. My first class is at 8 in the morning and then I have Advanced Literature at 10, and Computer Engineering at 12:30. I am extremely nervous. I never do well in new situations, I prefer to have a detailed plan about what is going to happen rather then being blindsided on my first day. I wonder if-  
"Crap", I mutter as I drop my toast on the ground, 'Why can't things just work out for once-'.   
"Oh my god I swear you are the clumsiest person I have ever met", I heard a familiar voice say from behind me.  
I ignore the voice behind me, hoping he will just go away, I've only just met him and yet he already has power over me, I don't want him to know that.   
"I'm fucking talking to you, don't you know it's rude to ignore people when they are trying to talk to you", he huffs.   
I snort, he doesn't know the first thing about being rude if he thinks that he's being polite.   
"What's so funny?", he growls.   
I ignore him again as I butter my second slice of bread.   
"Fine then, what ever, I didn't want to talk to a fucking weirdo anyway", he growls then stalks out of the room.   
I sigh and lean against the counter, 'It's going to be a long 4 years if he is in the room next to mine the whole time'.   
I run my hands through my hair as I think, his comments bug me yet they shouldn't because I've been hearing them my whole life, I never quite fit in with a certain group, I've always been the outsider, the one that nobody wants to be seen with.   
The one that nobody cares about.   
I dig my fingers into the countertop as painful memories surge.   
I briefly get a flash of tan skin and bright blue eyes, topped off by a mischievous smile before I can surprise the memories.   
I force myself back to the present, however try as we might, we can't change the past, no matter what happens.  
I wrap up my sandwich and grab the rest of my stuff, as I head out the door to my first college class.

There is one thing we can count on and that's time, time will always move, no matter how bad things are, or how impossible something may seem, time will move on. It won't be like this forever.  
I won't be like this forever


	4. Literature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: slight mention of STDs(non graphic),

Everyone who ever said Uni was hard wasn't lying. I've only gone to one class and yet already I have a semester long syllabus and a promise of multiple hours of homework a day. Great. Just great.   
My next class is Advanced Lit and I know nothing about it yet. I can only hope that's it's more entertaining then Chemistry. 

Surprisingly, I'm the first one there. I take a seat up towards the front and open my sketchbook as I wait for people to arrive. It's a good ten minutes before even the next person shows and then they all start piling in one by one. I check my watch. The professor was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.   
I pass the time by drawing, at the beginning I just let my mind flow, not really focusing on what I am drawing, when I look down and realize that a pair of familiar striking brown eyes are staring up at me, dark secrets swirling in their depths. I slam my sketchbook shut as I pull out my Literature book I got a couple days ago and try to distract myself by reading about chapter 1.   
Just as I'm about to finish skimming chapter 1, I hear a very familiar unwanted voice that almost makes me drop my pencil.  
"It's not my problem Alfie, I told Jessica multiple times that this was strictly platonic and any feelings she has right now are her problem and I'm done with that bitch. Did you hear that she told Becky that I had an STD WHAT THE FUCK!", he says, his voice rising toward the end.   
"Listen mate, I told you multiple times, you have to stop fucking around with those girls, you tell them straight out how it's going to be and yet they try to pull you in with their long hair, perfect smile, beautiful eyes...", Dan's friend says as he trails off.  
"Haha you've got it bad mate, just tell Zoe that you want to see her again", he says with a laugh. It's the first times I've ever seen his face with a peaceful expression. His laugh is beautiful, like the rest of him. I flinch and put my head in my hands trying to stop my racing thoughts.  
"Yeah right, she doesn't see me as anymore than a player who just wants to get into her pants".  
"And you don't?", he jokes.  
"Of course I do but, I don't know man, I just, I want more with her", he says, blushing and looking down.  
Dan claps him on the shoulder as they walk to their seats. 

The rest of the class passes in a blur, I can't think of anything except that Dan is only a few seats behind me.   
When the professor dismisses us I get out of there as fast as I can, leaving behind the boy with the brown eyes.

When I get to Engineering I immediately take my seat and try to calm down my racing heart.   
"Hey I didn't know you were in this class", Peej says as he comes up to sit by me.   
"Yeah I'm thinking about a career in this", I say as I pull out my books. Peej starts to say something but is cut off when the professor walks in. I grab my books as the class starts but my thoughts are completely consumed by thoughts of a beautiful boy with mysterious brown eyes. 

"Hey Phil we're having a party at the dorms this weekend, you should stay around and hang out with all of us", Peej says as we get ready to leave.   
My first thought is to make up something so I don't have to go, but I stop myself before the words come out of my mouth. College is supposed to be something new and exciting and I should take these opportunities before they are gone.   
"Sure sounds great, when is it?".  
"About 8 but anytime works", he says with a smile as we walk back towards the dorms.   
"See you then", I say as he walks into his room.   
I go into my room and set my stuff on the ground. 'Wow a party, I haven't been to one before, I only had around two months at my last school so not really enough time to make friends and the school before that... no I'm not going to let bad memories ruin what could be a great night for me. It's time to move on and let loose. To be me, for me.  
I just hope that this one doesn't turn out as bad as something's for me have.


	5. New Experiences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Party scenes, gay freak out

What do normal people where to a party, should I dress up or dress down, my hair straightened or pushed up?. So many questions run through my head. 'Will I have fun? Will I meet nice people? Will Dan be there? If there's drinking, who is buying the booze? How many people will be there? Will Dan be there? What should I wear? Will Dan be there?'   
So obviously my brain is stupid and should not be trusted around other people. I think I should just bail but I told Peej I would be there and I want to meet Chris, but honestly I just want to see Dan and hopefully hear him laugh again.   
'Oh my god I'm so infuriating, for some reason I can't stop thinking about this man who acts like I'm the bane of his existence when I haven't even talked to him, god I'm so screwed up'. I grumble to myself as I grab some clothes to put on for tonight.   
It's 8 pm and Peej is picking me up to take me and some other people to a frat party that is gonna be hosted at one of the dorms cause the fraternity got into trouble with administration or something, I don't know and I don't care. I settle for putting on my black jeans with a blue dress shirt and wearing my hair down. I grab my wallet and phone and head out to wait for Peej by the curb, flinching at the bite of the cold night air. 

I can hear the music before we even get there. The whole dorm seems to be shaking from the popular music spewing from its depths. I've never been into the so called 'popular' music. My style is more alternative but at least I know some of the music that is being unleashed, just from hearing it on the radio.   
I walk with Peej and some of his friends into the house where they are instantly swarmed by large groups of people handing them booze and just being obnoxiously loud. There's a lot of stimulus and I can't keep up. Out of the corner of my eye I see two people making out on a couch while another person is throwing up not 5 feet from them, unbelievable, and yet who am I to judge.   
I shift away, hating the attention and yet at the same time, craving it.   
"Well I didn't expect to see you here choirboy", I hear a voice from behind me say.   
I suck in my breath and turn around to see none other than Dan Howell, dressed all in black, he looks amazing, and that pisses me off, no one that arrogant and rude should ever be able to look that perfect, it's not fair.  
"Why don't you just mind your own business", I snap. I'm not sure who's more surprised by my outburst, me or him.   
"Wow, who new choirboy had a little devil in him", he smirks, still managing to piss me off.   
"Fuck off", I say, surprised at my own language, as I walk off to go get a drink, if I'm going to have to deal with Dan I need to get a little alcohol in my system, even if drinking is not normally my thing. Dan seems to bring out the worst in me. 

I spend the rest of the evening avoiding Dan. He always seems to have a group of girls around him. His other guy friends can barely get a word in edgewise. I find myself envying him, here I am, sat alone in the corner, on my 3rd or 4th mixed drink while he is over there, surrounded by a bunch of girls who are falling all over him.   
I crunch up my red cup and throw it into the trash as I leave the room to find a bathroom. A task that's relatively easy when sober but not so easy when borderline drunk. 

After splashing some water on my face and doing my business, I leave the bathroom and start to walk down the hall. Despite the house being so loud this hallway is rather quiet and soothing.   
I hear a stumble and crash in the room on my left so I run to open the door, fumbling with the knob in my intoxicated state.   
Inside I find Dan, sitting on the floor with his hands wrapped around his foot as he flinches in pain.   
He looks up, a weird light in his eyes. "Why are you always following me you fucking stalker, will you just leave me alone, please", he whispers at the end. "Get out", he growls.   
Before I realize what I am doing I turn around and walk out of that room without a backwards glance.

Somehow I find myself in the kitchen, I grab a bag and fill it with ice, and grab some more booze and take my haul upstairs.   
"I thought I fucking told you to-", he starts as I walk back in.   
"Will you just stop being a fucking arrogant asshole for once in your life and just let someone help you because it's the right thing to do and please just shut the fuck up", I snap at him.   
He blinks, shocked at what I said. I am kinda shocked as well. But he quiets down and allows me to bring him the ice and some of the booze.   
I pop the cap off another bottle and start to guzzle it down.   
"Why are you even helping me", he mutters, alcohol thick on his breath.   
"Cause that's the right thing to do", I slur.   
He just laughs, but it's not my laugh. It's dark, and depressing.   
"People don't know the first thing about right and wrong", he mutters.   
I snort, thinking of the way he treats me. Well at least he's not wrong.   
"What?", he asks.   
"You say all this stuff about right and wrong and then you treat me like crap".  
"Whatever", he grumbles, looking like he wants to disappear into himself.   
"Why?"  
"Why what?", he grumbles, knowing the answer.  
I just look at him. Waiting for him to finish in his own time.   
"Your just such as easy target", he says, "Your nice and let people exploit your weaknesses, you can't be nice in this world and expect to survive".  
"Okay first off, being nice isn't a weakness and second, you don't know me, so at least wait until you know me before you start making judgements about me".  
He frowns and looks at the floor, thinking.   
"Maybe for you it isn't", he says.  
"What?"  
"Being nice, maybe for you it isn't, but that doesn't mean it's like that for everyone", he says, turning his face away.   
I walk over to the bed and sit next to him so he's facing me.   
"Being kind is never a weakness Dan", I say with complete clarity and a smile, staring into his eyes.   
Before I can even react he has his hands on my face and our lips are touching. His lips are soft and warm and the ignite every nerve in my body, my skin seems to burn everywhere he touches me.   
I reach over, grabbing his head in my hands as I deepen the kiss, and my heart rate speeds up.   
My tongue slips into his mouth and finds his and a slow twirl starts, my heart rate picks up even more, it feels like it's going to explode right out of my chest, he has to be able to hear it.   
He lowers one of his hands and pulls my body closer to his as he slowly brings his hands up to cup my face.   
After a couple minutes of intense making out, we break apart to catch our breath and he rests his forehead against mine.   
"Dan", I breath into the quiet surrounding us.   
His name seems to shake him from his thoughts as he blinks and backs up, looking around at his surroundings quickly.   
"Dan", I say again, trying to get through to him, as I start to worry.   
His eyes finally focus on me and his body completely stills.   
His mouth opens like he wants to say something but he can't seem to get the words out.   
His breathing rate starts to pick up as he starts to panic and then he dashes from the room, gone faster than I can stop him.   
I freeze, the alcohol in my system not allowing me to fully comprehend the situation. I try to get up by immediately stumble back onto the bed, my mind racing and yet slow from the kiss and the alcohol.   
Suddenly my mind goes foggy and I lay down completely on the bed. Before I know it I'm completely out. 

I walk up a couple of hours later, the noise from the party still around me. I sit up, unsure about my surroundings, when the whole night comes back to me and I look around at my surroundings.   
I'm alone.


	6. Calm Before the Storm

"It's always calm before the storm"

I've been in many awkward situations in my life, some worse than others, once when I was young, I told Annie Johnson that I thought she was pretty. She didn't take it that well and went and told the whole school.   
I've never been good at communicating the way normal people do. However, lately I've been feeling like I'm ready to get over it and move on, that I could finally accept who I am and not care what other people think.   
However when I wake up the next morning in a stranger's bed, cold and alone, I feel like the same 8 year old boy who just put his heart out in the open to a person he trusted, just to have his trust and affection throne back at him.   
I told myself I would never feel like that again. 

I flip over on the bed, flinching at the headache that confirms the alcohol.   
I reach over and grab my stuff as I rush from the house, ignoring the other partiers , and out into the cool pre-dawn air, it's still dark and my body starts shaking, and it's not from the cold. 

The day's classes pass in a blur. I can barely hold myself together, much less pay attention to my professors.   
Dan isn't in Literature. I try not to let myself think about why that may be. 

When the professor dismisses us from the last class I'm to busy trying to get out of there as fast as I can so that I can be alone, that I don't notice the short blonde haired boy with glasses until I smack into him and send all of our stuff flying.   
"Oh my god I'm so sorry", I stammer, trying to pull myself out of my head enough to help him pick everything up, 'God Dan is right, I am the clumsiest person alive'.  
"No no it's fine, sorry I wasn't watching where I was going", he says as I reach down to help pick up the mess.   
"No this is totally my fault, I'm really sorry", I say, feeling like a total ass.   
"No no it's fine. How about we call it a draw and agree that we are both complete idiots", he says with a grin and infectious laugh.   
"I think I can agree on that", I laugh with him.   
"My names Tyler", he said.   
"Phil".  
"Well Phil, it was nice meeting you, maybe I'll see u around sometime", he says with a glint in his eyes and a grin as he walks away.   
I'm stunned silent for a few moments, 'Was he flirting with me?' I smile to myself and blush, 'Yeah I think he was', I smile as I walk back home, happy for the first time all day. 

We I get back to the dorms, I immediately head towards my room, wanting to lock myself inside of there with my thoughts, hoping to avoid Dan.   
However, today isn't my lucky day.   
Just as I'm about to escape into my room, the door to Dan's room opens and a short curvy brunette steps outside, wearing just a t-shirt, Dan's t-shirt, and almost runs into me.   
"Oopsie", she giggles, alcohol thick on her breath. She turns around and stumbles into the bathroom, emerging with a foil packet. She giggles and hiccups as she walks back into Dans room.   
I turn around and walk into my room, my heart weighting a million pounds in my chest.   
I put in my headphones, trying to drown out the sounds coming from the room next door.   
But no matter how high I turn up my music, nothing can stop the images in my head.


	7. Patterns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: dubious consent(kissing), homophobic language, fight scene

The days start following the same continuous pattern, wake up, school, sleep... Wake up, school, sleep.   
Yet Dan's schedule is constantly changing, some days he goes to his room and doesn't come out at all, other days he's out all day, and almost every morning there's a new bright eyed, heavily makeuped college girl stumbling out of his room. 

School is great distraction for my unrequited feelings. I've met some great people; in Chemistry I sit next to a guy named Shane, he's hilarious and always has a come back, yet he's a little dark as well, a part of me wants to figure him out and hopefully help him out with his own demons. If only I wasn't consumed with mine.   
Tyler from Engineering is really nice, I can tell that he is interested in me but I can't think of even entertaining the possibility of being with him, which is just crazy.   
Dan and I haven't even done anything besides kiss. Yet he consumes my every thought. He obviously doesn't even care about me although, yet I can't help falling for him. It's crazy, I don't even know him. Yet I feel like I have my whole life. It's childish and stupid and makes me more depressed as the day goes on.   
Sometimes I hang out with Peej and Chris. They are absolutely adorable and clearly in love, it sets a high standard for couples anywhere. However hanging out with them just makes me sad.   
It reminds me of what I don't have. 

~~~

"No I swear, it doesn't look good but it is one of the best movies I have ever seen", Tyler says, smiling his adorable smile.   
"I'm not sure if I should trust your judgement on that", I say with a laugh. I've been hanging out with Tyler these past couple of weeks since the incident and it's been really nice, I don't want a relationship or anything with him but he's the closest thing I've had to a friend since coming to college.   
"That's probably true, I tend to overthink things and take chances that I probably shouldn't", he says in a more serious tone, his blue eyes darkening.   
"What that's crazy, there's nothing wrong with taking a chance, you'll never know what could have happened if you don't do it", I say, trying to cheer him up.   
"You know your right", he says, resolve in his eyes.   
"I always am", I say with a grin as I turn to walk away- but as I start to walk into the dorms, he grabs my arm and before I can say anything, turns me around and kisses me.   
I freeze, not expecting this reaction. 'I'm not sure what to do, should I push him away, but wouldn't that hurt his feelings? But I don't want him to get the wrong idea'-  
I don't get a chance to make up my mind before a strong hand pulls Tyler away from me.  
"What the fuck are you doing, you disgusting faggot, you can't just fucking make out with every guy you see, god I swear faggots are disgusting", a big burly guy I've never seen before shouts in Tyler's face, making him flinch.  
"I didn't-, he didn't-, I wasn't-", Tyler stammers, caught off guard as he stumbles backward, trying to get away from the jerk in front of him.   
"Don't even fucking talk to me", he spits and turns to me, "Come on mate, let's get away from this disgusting cock-sucker", he says trying to lead me away.   
Before I even realize what I'm doing, my fists are flying at the guys face, hitting his cheek and upper lip.   
"What the fuck", he stammers as he stumbles backwards, his hand cupping his jaw. He composes himself and throws himself at me, hurling me to the grounds as he begins to rain punches on my face as I try to protect myself with my hands.   
I hear Tyler screaming as he tries to pull the guy off me and gets punched in the face himself, he falls to the ground and curls up into the fetal position.   
I start to struggle, trying to get myself out from underneath him as he continues to punch me. Each hit feeling like I'm being forcefully shoved into the pavement beneath me.   
Before I realize what's happening, the jerk is pulled off me and thrown to the ground.  
I try to get up, to see what happened but I can't focus on anything right now.   
After a few moments, my vision begins to clear and the pounding in my head starts to increase.   
I push myself up off the ground, flinching as my body starts to ache and look over to see that the fight is still going on.   
The jerk is there, his face battered, bruised, and bloody, and he has another body pinned under him, and the person below him is so bloody and bruised that it's already hard to recognize them, however even if I was blind, I would still be able to recognize Dan.   
I stagger to my feet, stumbling towards them, wanting to help as much as I can, when I notice Tyler coming back with campus security.   
The jerks notices as well and takes off, the campus security hard on his heels.   
Tyler runs up to me, trying to ask me questions, but I just push him away and run over to Dan, I pick him up off the ground, he is unconscious and completely out of it, his black shirt covered in blood, his hair matted to his head.   
I ignore Tyler's attempts at talking to me as I throw Dan's arm around my shoulder and support him with my body and I stumble back towards the dorms.

I slowly carry him back to the dorms, each step feeling like a mile as Tyler's voice soon fades into the distance as I struggle to carry the person that avoids me with every step he takes, back home,after he just took a beating to save me.


	8. Thirds

"Bad things come in thirds", I remember my grandmother used to say that to me when I was a kid. It never made sense to me, I always thought bad things came when they did and could not be predicted by any pattern or event. However, now I'm not so sure.   
First I literally ran into Dan, then I kissed him, and now here he is, lying on my once colorful duvet that is now stained with blood.   
So yes. Bad things come in thirds.   
I sign as a run the wet washcloth over his features, trying to find the face that consumes my every thought, through all the blood and swelling.   
It's been about a half an hour since the fight and he still hasn't woken up. I thought about taking him to the hospital but I don't want him to get into any trouble for helping me or anything. God knows he probably doesn't even want to be associated with me.   
He flinches as I run the cloth over the cut on his dark eyebrow, I still, not wanting to hurt him any more than he already is, but he soon relaxes and falls back into his troubled sleep.   
Before I even realize what I'm doing, I reach out and lightly touch his cheek, trying not to agitate the already forming bruise.   
I run my fingers down his skin, feeling it's softness under my hand.   
I freeze when he suddenly shifts underneath me, but all he does is lightly turn his face into my palm, almost like he is seeking my comfort.   
I oblige and start to run my fingertips over his face, lightly tracing the shape of his nose and the softness of his full lips. I reach up and run my fingers threw his bloody hair, which still somehow manages to feel soft under my hand.   
He whimpers as I withdraw my hand. His face turning towards the area where my hand was. Looking for comfort and getting nothing.   
I sit back in my seat, winching as the metal cuts into my sore body.   
I pick up my sketchbook, which I always have sitting beside my bed, and look up at the boy in front of me and just let my pencil fly.


	9. Nightmares

I'm walking through a dark endless hallway, with countless doors on either side.   
'Am I too late?', I wonder as I frantically try to open the doors, but find every single one locked.   
As time goes one and I still can't find him I begin to panic even more, my heart racing inside my chest.   
"Fuck!", I scream as my fear courses through me.   
Suddenly I fall to the ground, exhausted.   
Almost immediately the floor begins to turn to quicksand and I start to sink.   
I jerk around, furiously trying to hall my incorporating body from the floor that is slowly encasing it, but to no avail.   
Right before the mud completely covers me I see a figure standing in the corner, watching.   
"Help!" I try to scream as the quicksand pulls me down even more, "please?!", I scream.   
I reach up my hand, the only part of my body not covered with mud, so that the person can reach it and help pull me up.   
They don't move.   
"HELP!", I scream, my voice cracking as I plead.   
Right before I am completely consumed by the mud, I see the figure start to walk towards me.   
The last sight that greets me before my death is Dan's nonchalant, curious face as he watches me die. 

I jerk awake, my body covered in a thin layer of sweat, as I pant, trying to calm my racing heart.   
I can't get Dan's face out of my mind, how calm and slightly curious he looked, how his beautiful brown eyes regarded me impassively.   
As if watching me in pain and dying was nothing important.   
I look around the dark room, trying to see what woke me from the nightmare, when I finally notice Dan on my bed, a thin layer of sweat encasing him as well, as he jerks around on my bed, he seems in the throes of a nightmare too, his face pinched and he looks like he is in great pain.   
"Please... please... stop", he whimpers in a heartbreaking voice as he flinches again.   
"Stop", he cries as he jerks around.   
I jump up from my chair and run over to him.   
I grab the sides of his face as I try to get him to wake up.   
"Dan? Dan it's Phil, your at the dorms, your safe, everything is okay", tell him, trying to get through to him.   
"Dan", I say again, getting really worried.   
He jerks awake, his eyes popping open as he looks around frantically, as if gauging his surroundings, he looks so lost.   
"Dan", I say again, trying to get his attention.   
He finally looks up at me, "Phil", he says as he reaches up so that he can pull me down to him, then he curls up next to my side.   
I freeze, caught off guard and unaware of what to do, my heart beating like crazy at his closeness.   
He buries his head into my chest as his whole body starts to shake.   
I reach my arms around him and pull him close, laying my head on top of his as he struggles to calm himself. 

Eventually he falls asleep and I pull back slightly to look at him.   
I don't know what he was reliving in his dream, maybe the fight, or something worse, but whatever it was, it scares the shit out of me that something can reduce someone like Dan to such a terrified state.   
I clench him even closer as I lay a soothing kiss to his forehead, and then rest my head on top of his again as I once again drift into sleep.


	10. Waiting

London is cold. All year round. I'm not exactly a very outside like person so the cold works for me because I would rather stay inside than venture outside. The cold has never really bugged me.   
However when I wake up the next morning alone, with a cool draft blowing against my chest, I have never felt colder in my life.   
I bury my head in my blue pillow and instantly recognize Dan's scent in it.   
'So last night really did happen', I think to myself as pain flares in my chest. 

The day starts out like any other day, which I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or not.   
People keep asking me about my black eye and split lip, I just tell them I got into a fight and that's it.   
Tyler has been hounding me all day, apologizing, even though he has absolutely nothing to apologize for, and trying to get me to talk about Dan.   
However Dan is the absolute least person I would wanna see, much less talk about.

However the time comes when I can't avoid him any longer, and that time is Advanced Lit.   
I walk to my seat with my head down, not wanting to see him or for anyone to see my face. I'm just not in the mood to deal with people and their need for gossip.   
I spend the entire lecture with my head down, not making eye contact with anyone and not participating at all.   
The hour and a half seems to be the longest of my life.   
Finally, the professor dismisses us and I turn around to leave.   
However I can't stop myself from looking up from under my fringe to the seat where the beautiful brown eyed boy sits.   
However, he's not there, and a quick look around determines that he hasn't been here at all. 

When I make my way to my last class I can barley sit still.   
'Is Dan hurt? Is that why he isn't at school? Or is he avoiding me? If he's avoiding me, why did he help me? He didn't have to do that, he could have just kept walking. Why isn't he here today?'  
I'm frantic, and I can't help my thoughts from turning to the worst possible options.   
I sit in my seat and start fidgeting with my pencil.  
Peej sits down near me and he doesn't seem much better.   
He has his phone in his hand and is tapping his fingers on the screen repeatably, his eyes bouncing around, not really focusing on anything.   
I reach over and tap his shoulder, "Is everything all right mate?"  
"Yeah... Yeah everything is fine", he says in a voice that contradicts his words. 

The entire class seems to crawl by, especially with both Peej and I bouncing around in our seats, both us waiting for the final bomb to drop.   
Finally, it does.   
Peej's phone suddenly lights up from where he put it between us, he reaches over lightning fast, like he was waiting for it. He quickly reads the text on his screen then freezes and looks up to me, his colorful eyes wide and scared.   
He doesn't even have to ask me, we both jump up at the same time and scurry out of the room, ignoring the looks and questions from the people around us as we sprint out of the school and into the parking lot.


	11. Personal

We don't talk. Neither of us says a word the whole way there. It's too quiet and I feel like the silence is collapsing in on me, yet I'm too afraid to break it.   
Peej's blue eyes are haunted and he seems to get reliving some dark past memories.   
I've already texted Chris and told him to meet us there, Peej seems like he is going to need some support.   
We don't have much information. Just the text. It says:  
Hello Mr. Liguori, this is Carrie from The Royal London Hospital, your number was listed as the Emergency Contact for Daniel James Howell, we request that you please get here as soon as possible. Thank you  
That's it. We don't have a clue why he's there or anything. He was hurt already, from the fight, but not hurt enough to go to the hospital. Something must have happened later to send him to the hospital.   
I put my head in my hands as all the worst possible options run through my mind.   
'What if we are to late?'  
'What if he dies before we can get there'.  
'What if it's my fault?'  
My thoughts are put to a halt as we arrive at the Hospital. It's very old fashioned looking yet at the same time state of the art. Hopefully Dan is getting all the treatment he needs.   
Dan... My heart stops beating for a second. I hope that's he's going to be okay. I barley know him and yet I don't want to loose him, that doesn't even make sense. I care about him, a lot more than I should. He constantly confuses me and make me frustrated. And yet at the same time, it excites me, I look forward to seeing what he will do next and the fact that I am a part of it. That's probably not a very good thing, in fact it's destructive. I'm setting myself up to get hurt, all over again, you would think I would learn after the first time. 

We rush into the hospital, and my heart is in my throat. Everything is happening in slow motion and I feel like I can't breath. Peej is taken away by a doctor to be talked to since he is Dan's emergency contact but because I'm not family I have to stay back in the waiting room.   
My hands are shaking like crazy and my breathing is frantic. I feel like I can't drag enough air into my lungs and I am slowly suffocating.   
This is insane, I barley know Dan and he hates me, I should not be having this sort of reaction to someone who I shouldn't care less about.   
'But oh my god if Dan dies'-suddenly my whole body starts shaking and I almost fall to the ground, I reach over and grab a nearby chair to steady myself.   
'He won't die', I tell myself as the shaking starts again.   
'It's probably nothing', I lie to myself as I put my head in my hands and wait. 

Peej's POV   
The nurse leads me down the white hallway. Her name is Carrie, she's short with blonde curly hair, and seems really nice. She keeps trying to making small talk with me as we walk to Dan's room. I answer her, if only to be polite, but I am not tracking the conversation at all. All I can think about is what the doctor said.   
He took me into a separate room, away from Phil, to tell me about Dan's condition.   
"Mr. Howell is in a bad condition, it appears that he and another person got into a fight, I'm sorry to ask this now but do you have any idea who it could have been? All evidence points toward someone he knows, because it's seems that he was fighting someone more for a personal reason, then if he had gotten jumped or something to that regard", the doctor said.   
I freeze, I have my suspicions about who did this, but there is no way in hell that I would tell Dan's secret.   
"No I have no idea", I say.   
The doctor nods slowly, looking unconvinced.   
Then a nurse comes up and offers to show me the way to Dan's room.   
We make it to Dan's room. She walks right in but gives me a minute outside to collect myself before I walk in. I take a deep breath, stretch my arms and then push open the door.


	12. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: aftermath of violence

I can't tell how much time has passed, it could have been a couple minutes, and hour, or a day, I don't have a clue.   
Suddenly Peej comes through the doors and heads towards me.   
"Hey mate, you can come back now, he's asking for you", he says with a sad tired look on his face.   
I will my legs to stand but they seem frozen to the spot, unable to thaw.   
Peej waits for me, he seems to understand that I just need a minute to collect myself and my thoughts.   
With a deep breath I push myself up and start walking over towards Peej, a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

A nurse named Carrie leads us through the hallway towards Dan's room, she doesn't try to talk much, she can feel the apprehension in the air and seems smart enough to know that there is absolutely nothing to say.   
She does however, give me a detailed work up on his condition, she won't tell me how he got this way but she doesn't spare me the details of the aftermath.   
"He has 3 fractured ribs, a severe concussion, a dislocated shoulder, and a severe amount of bruising," she says in a professional tone. 

I feel like I can hear every sound in this entire building but nothing registers, my heart beats and yet I feel nothing, 

We walk up outside of Dan's room and she stops for a minute, checking the chart she has in her hands and then tells us that she will be next room if we need anything.   
We nod and she moves down the hall, opening the door next to us and disappearing inside.   
Peej cracks his neck, his usual smile gone, as he steps back and gestures to the door.   
"He wants to talk to you alone, I'm gonna head to the cafeteria to pick up some food, call me if anything changes", he says with a distant look in his eyes as he turns around and walks down the hall without a second look, his shoulders slumped.   
I stare after him for a few moments, then bring out my phone and text Chris, who just got here, that everything is fine and to meet Peej in the Cafeteria.   
I put my phone away and rest my hand on the door, before finally pushing it open and walking inside, my heart in my throat. 

The room is cold, white and cold, that's the first thing I notice because I can't bring myself to look at the person on the bed, though I can feel him looking at me.   
The curtains are a pale blue, like the hospital staff put them up to try to bring color to such a gloomy area.   
The subtle beep... beep... beep, is what finally captures my attention and I bring my eyes over to him.   
At first, there's is to much visual stimulation and I'm not sure what to look at first, I don't want to look into his eyes, if I saw the beautiful brown eyes in this much pain, I don't know what it would do to me.   
I settle for the monitors, they are measuring things like his heart rate and BP.   
He has an IV.   
And his whole body is covered with different tubes.

Finally I work up my courage and close my eyes, I take a deep breath and open them and properly look at him. 

He looks... broken. Most of his body is covered with a sheet, but the sheet only goes up to his waist.   
His ribs and torso are covered with bandages, the black and blue skin peeking out from underneath them, one of his arms is in a temporary sling, and he has a bandage wrapped around his forehead.   
His whole body is bruised.   
This made the aftermath of the fight by the dorms look like child's play.   
However, it isn't his body that makes him look broken.   
He looks like the will to live had been taken from him, his soul gone, his fight... gone.   
The playful, mysterious man who used to infuriate me, is gone, and here now laying in this bed, is a boy who has seen all the evil in the world and just wants it to be over.


	13. Consequence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: derogatory language,

Dan's POV

A couple hours ago...

I hear them before I see them. My vision had gone away over an hour ago from the pain but my sense of hearing still remained, I was right on the edge of unconsciousness yet I could not go all the way over.   
First there is yelling, a lot of screaming and it hurts my head.   
Then I feel hands on my body, a lot of hands and I start to panic, my mind flashing back to horrible memories.   
I try to struggle but I feel as if I am suffocating, drowning in my own blood.   
The hands hoist me from the ground and I scream, the pain suddenly becoming to much that it propels me into unconsciousness. 

A hard slap across my face draws me awake. I blink, my eyes unaccustomed to the harsh light of the room, as I begin to look around.   
The room is white and sterile, just like the person standing in front of me.   
I feel a hand grab onto my face and pull it forward,and I flinch as the nails bite into my bruised skin.   
"You stupid weak faggot", says my father.   
"You are in so much shit for this you fucking leech", he sneers, like he isn't the one who put me in this state.   
But that doesn't matter to my father, to him, I am this weak ungrateful little shit and I should be able to put up with anything he gives me because 'That's what a man would do'. 

I feel a little flicker of pride when I see the shiner that colors my fathers face, I surprised him today, normally I don't fight back, it just makes my punishment worse, but today I was conflicted, Phil made me feel things that I shouldn't, according to my father, he made me weak in the eyes of my father, but in my heart he made me strong and happy, for the first time in forever, so I fought back, not that it did any good. My father is the College Administrator as well as an ex-navy seal (he grew up in America), I might as well have been a child for all it mattered, not that I ever had a childhood.   
So when he saw his son come home the next morning, with a split lip and a black eye from defending a 'faggot' from a school bully, he was not pleased.   
"Listen to me you fucking cunt, I told the hospital that I tried to save you while you were getting jumped downtown, that's what happened, and that's what your going to say when they ask you, you hear me", he growls into my face, his cold green eyes staring down toward me with distain.   
"And one more thing, if I ever see or even fucking hear about you hanging around that faggot that you tried to defend, I will put him into the hospital right along side you, the only difference is, he won't be coming home", he spits into my face as he leans back, fixes his hair and suit and walks regally out of the room without a backwards glance.

I watch the door where he left for a few minutes before a nurse comes in, she tells me that she called my emergency contact and that he and a man named Phil Lester had arrived.   
I thank her and ask her to give me a couple minutes before calling Peej.   
She leaves the room as I put my head in my hands, my whole body frozen as I prepare myself for what I have to do.


	14. Confrontation

Phil's POV 

I look down at the floor, still not meeting his eyes, I'm not sure what I want to see in them, and I am to scared to find out. 

He tries to speak, but his voice comes out all scratchy and off-pitch. He clears his throat and starts again, "What are you doing here?", he asks in a shaky voice.   
"Um Peej got the call while we were in class together and I just figured...", I trail off uncomfortably.   
"Listen mate... you need to leave me alone, what happened between us was... Wrong and I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing, I'm not like that, so please just leave me alone", he says, glaring at me.   
"I.. um... I didn't...", I stutter completely caught off guard.   
"You need to stop getting in my way, all you do is cause more harm then good", he says in a broken voice.   
I feel my body temperature rising. "What the fuck! You were the one who started it!", I growl, feeling anger course through my body.   
"It was a mistake, I'm not... like that, I don't play that way", he stammers, sounding lost.   
He suddenly sits up on his bed, and his voice turns angry, "You don't even know me, so stop acting like you do, just get the fuck out of here choirboy, nobody wants you here", he growls.

I flinch and finally meet his eyes, hurt coursing through my body.  
His eyes look black, even in the bright lighting of the room and they are full of anger, pain, and hatred. 

I step back, I have never seen that much hatred in one person, and especially from someone so young.  
My whole body feels cold as I turn around and open the door, stepping out without saying another word, leaving behind the beautiful boy with the brown eyes.

Dan's POV 

I watch Phil leave the room, desperately wanting to call him back in and apologize, but this is better for him, this will keep him safe.   
Yet a part of me wonders whether I am doing this for him, or myself.

It doesn't matter anyway.


	15. Calm

Phil's POV

Strangely nothing really changes.When something devastating happens, something that rattles you to your core, you expect your whole daily life to change, but the truth is, besides the obvious, nothing changes, you still have work and school and expectations, your basic needs are the same, nothing really changes in the long run. 

The first day was a range of emotions, from crushing sadness, to confusion, to anger.   
However after the past few days all those emotions faded to a state of alarming calm.   
The calm is safe, the calm doesn't have emotion. 

My grades started going up in my classes, since they were the only things I would allow myself to focus on. 

Peej and Chris have been worrying about me, they say I look like death warmed over, I tell them I'm fine, they don't believe me, but I don't really care. 

My friendship with Tyler is struggling, he keeps trying to get me to talk to him, but I don't want to talk. Eventually he's going to get bored of me too. 

Dan hasn't been at school these past few weeks, they say he's still recovering, although he was moved out of the hospital after one week, he's still supposed to be on bed rest, so they transferred him and now for the moment he is living with his dad, who is the head administrator for the University. 

Peej visits him all the time, I don't really understand why, it's not like he needs anymore help when he's got his dad there to help him, but Peej always goes over right when school ends and spends the night, every single night.  
I try not to feel jealous that Dan wants Peej there more than me, it's not like there's anything going on between them, Chris doesn't seem jealous or worried by it at all, but it still hurts. 

I don't know when I stopped drawing, it wasn't a big revelation or even a conscious decision, normally I would draw multiple times a day, nothing big, just little sketches on the sides of my notes, or when I had time, in my sketchbook.   
The first couple weeks of turning in clean papers without any little drawings went unnoticed by myself.   
However when I woke up on the first Saturday of a new month and went through my whole day without even having the desire to draw, it hit me.   
I always draw a new uplifting picture every first Saturday of the month. I've been doing it ever since I can remember, it was a tradition, something me and my mum would do, a way to motivate us for the coming month. There was a few times over the years where I couldn't do it, maybe I wasn't home or had something else going on, but I had never forgotten.   
This was the first time I had ever forgotten, and the worst part was that I didn't care.


	16. Troye

One month later 

Phil's POV

"Now today class we will be starting that new project I was talking about. For those of you who don't remember or who just didn't pay attention the first time I mentioned it. This project will be a major part of your first semester grade for this class, I will select your partners and you will work together to complete an essay and a power point that you will present in front of the class. All the information about the project will be on these sheets I'm passing out. If you have any other questions talk to me after class", says my English Lit teacher Mr.Davis.   
I glance up from the notes I am taking as he begins to pass the papers around the class room.   
He goes back to the podium as he finishes.   
"Okay now moving on to partners, Alfie and Gabriel. Kayla and Marcus. Dean and Erica. Hannah and Rachel..." He goes through the list and my heart rate starts to pick up.   
"Dan and Becky. Phil and Troye. Okay there are the partners, there will be no trading and I expect full effort and teamwork from each of the partners on this project. It's due on the 18th next month. Get started", he raises his hand, dismissing the class.   
I start to collect my stuff, we have 20 minutes till class is over and I want to talk to Troye about plans before we are fully dismissed.   
I make my way over to him on the other side of the room.   
"Hey I'm Phil", I say to the short curly brown haired boy in front of me.  
"I'm Troye", he says with a smile.   
I ask him if I can sit and then we spend the next 15 minutes introducing ourselves and talking about what we wanted to do for the project.   
The prompt of the project was for us to pick out a little known author from any point in history and to compare and contrast them with a well known author from the 21st century.   
We talk about authors that we would like and discuss times and places for a meet up. 

As I exit the building after Engineering, I can't stop the smile that spreads across my face, I've noticed Troye in class and around campus but I've never actually sat down and talked to him. He's a really nice guy. He loves music and wants to become a singer after college. He laughs and blushes when he tells me this and tries to shake it off as some pipe dream. I encourage him to go for it and ask him if he has music already recorded. He tells me that he does, just a couple songs that he did for fun and that he would bring them to one of our meet ups so that I can listen.   
We made plans to meet up at my dorms this weekend and start the project.   
I'm kinda nervous and excited.   
This is the first time I have felt something besides the numb and honestly, it feels good.   
I smile wider and straighten my shoulders as I walk up the steps to my dorm.   
I open the door and suddenly stop, something feels off.   
I can't quite put my finger on it but something is different.   
However, when I see nothing amiss I just shake it off and head into the kitchen to make a coffee and study at the table. 

After about a half an hour of studying I finally realize what's wrong.   
There's a coat on a door hanger, one that hasn't been there in over 2 months.   
Just as I am reaching this conclusion the door to the dorm slams open and two people come tumbling in.   
It's Dan and and a pale blond girl. They are practically having sex in the hallway.   
I can't advert my eyes, even as every kiss and every touch is embedded into my brain.   
They don't even notice me. 

After a while Dan gets the door to his room unlocked and they both stumble inside, laughing.   
Then everything is silent. For a moment.   
Suddenly the moaning starts again and I can't take it anymore.   
I grab my jacket and practically jump out of the room.   
I take off in a random direction, not caring where I am going as long as I get as far away as I can.


	17. Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: dubious consent. I wrote this scene when I was young. If i could go back I would change things, show more of his inner turmoil but then I would have to change everything lol.

Dan's POV   
My eyes track the movement of the alcohol as I swirl it around in my cup. It lost its taste after the first few drinks, and I start counting the seconds while I wait.   
"Hey Dan, this seat taken?" says a really pretty African American girl with striking green eyes.   
I tip back the last of my drink as I stop counting, two minutes and 13 seconds, a new record.   
"It's only for you baby", I drawl as my eyes look her up and down, she'll do.   
She giggles and sweeps her long dark hair over her should, flashing her cleavage.   
I tip the last of the alcohol back as I feel myself start to get hard in my jeans.   
"It's really loud in here", I say. "Wanna head somewhere we can talk privately?", I whisper in her ear.   
She giggles again and takes her hand, trailing it down my arm before it rests on my hand, then she gets up and leads the way into one of the rooms at the back of the house. I take this time to get a good look at her ass and feel myself grow even harder.   
She turns down the hallway till she stops at a room towards the back. Then she takes a key from the chain around her neck and unlocks the door, pulling me inside.   
She wastes no time, as soon as I shut the door behind me, she jumps up, grabbing my face and bringing it to hers as she licks her way into my mouth. I run my hands down her body as I pull her even closer to me, rubbing my crotch against her stomach.   
She groans and then starts taking her shirt and bra off, leaving her skirt on, she pulls her lace panties off. I pause a moment before I unfasten my zipper, springing my cock free.   
She brings her hands up and cups them around her breasts, obviously trying to impress me with the amount of cleavage she has.   
I stroke myself, pretending to give a shit.   
She walks back up to me slowly, trying to seduce me, when she gets close enough I grab her and pull her back flush against mine. She starts panting, obviously completely aroused. "What do you want baby", I whisper in her ear as I bite her earlobe.   
She gasps and her legs start to twitch as she uses one of her hands to rub herself.   
"You", she says, "You. I want you to fuck me".  
That's all the okay I need as I reach into my back pocket and pull out a condom and put it on my dick.   
I stroke myself and then quickly thrust into her from behind. She gasps and immediately starts to orgasm. I continue pumping into her as she rides it out.   
She groans as I lean her on a desk a couple feet away from her so I can go even deeper.   
After a few minutes I start to feel a tightening in my balls so I reach down and around her body until I find her clit and start rubbing it in time with my thrusts. Within 30 seconds, she starts to orgasm again and the tightening of her core brings me over the edge as well as my whole body tightens up and I spill into the condom.   
She stops for a minute to catch her breath as I withdraw from her.  
"You were amazing", she says with a glassy expression as she sits down on the bed.   
I zip my jeans back up as I look at her. "So were you babe".  
"We definitely have to do that again", she giggles.   
"Totally babe", I whisper as I lean down to kiss her before walking out the room, and out of her life. I never have sex with the same person twice, so despite what she wants, it isn't going to happen.   
The alcohol has begun to wear off so I head into the kitchen to make myself something to drink. 

I lean against the counter, sipping my drink as I wait for my next volunteer to distract me from the nightmare that is my life.


	18. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of lightness and fluff before shit goes down

Phil's POV  
Troye is coming over tonight.   
I'm excited to talk to him. It feel like we haven't talked in forever, even though it's only been two days.   
I finish organizing my room, or more appropriately known as shoving everything under my bed to give the illusion of organization.   
I jerk back when I feel paper cut into my finger, damn that stings, I pull back one of my many Pokemon shirts to reveal my sketchbook. I pause, taking it in, trying to ignore a feeling of sadness stirring in my gut as I slowly reach a trembling hand down to trace the cover.   
It's feels familiar yet foreign at the same time.   
Slowly I peel back the first page and start to go through my drawings from this first year. 

I don't even notice when Troye walks through the door, I'm too engrossed into my exploration of myself. I jump slightly, and my heart starts to pound when I here the door close and slam my sketchbook closed. He walks up to me slowly, seeming to understand that I need a minute. He doesn't ask me what I was doing, he seems to know that it would not be appreciated.   
I set my sketchbook down on the floor, unsure of how to continue.   
"Do you wanna start", he asks softly. I nod, unsure of my voice.   
"Okay, so I was looking up some different authors last night and I found a few which I would like to do because...", he goes on, giving me the out I needed. 

~~~

I double over laughing at something Troye said, after a couple of hours, Troye and I finally figured out what we wanted to do for the project and we already have a pretty good start on the power point.   
I clench my stomach as it starts to hurt from laughing to hard, Troye has been amazing, not only had he made me forget about things I would rather not remember, he made me feel happy, which is more than I can say for anyone else these past few months.   
I glance over at him, finally able to hold in my laughter. I watch as he throws his head back in laughter, curls bouncing, eyes crinkling in the corners, he smiles at me, nothing in his expression is guarded or even dark, all he is is light.   
Before I can tell myself not to, I reach forward, grabbing his head in my hands and pulling his face up to mine, and meeting our lips in the middle. He freezes for a second, caught off guard, but then slowly starts kissing me back.   
The kiss is sweet, unhurried, affectionate.   
He pulls back, panting a little, curls in disarray, as he looks up at me. I smile before reaching down and pulling his face up to mine again.


	19. Dirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: panic attack, language, reference to self harm, reference to past abuse

DAN's POV   
"Daniel Howell, please see me after class," says my Advanced Literature teacher as he walks away. I groan pulling my head up off my desk, my poorly straightened hair falling over my eyes.   
Fuck this is one of the worse hangovers I have ever gotten.   
I groan when the bell rings, making me feel like my head is going to explode as I grab my things to walk up to the teacher.   
As I start to walk up the isle I hear laughing and look around the classroom to identify the sound. It's that one guy, Travis or Troy or something and he's laughing at something Phil said. My heart clenches as Phil walks over to Troy or whatever and throws his arm around him as they leave the classroom.   
I don't even realize that I'm frozen halfway between my desk and the professor until he clears his throat.   
I force my limbs to unfreeze and move me forward. Feeling sick for a reason completely unrelated to my hangover. 

I walk up the the Professors desk, waiting to hear what he has to say.   
Professor Kelling, or at least that's what his name tag thing on his desk says, clears his throat for the fucking zillionth time and asks me to take a seat.   
"Okay Daniel, I'm just going to get right to it", he says in a straightforward voice," these past couple of months your work ethic has gone from exceptional to dangerous. Your almost at a point where you won't be able to make this up anymore and you will have to retake the class this summer, now I don't want to have to get your father involved-,"my hear stops",-for many reasons, unless you manage to change your work ethic and quickly than all of this can be avoided", he says in a calm voice, unaware of my inner turmoil, "I know it's been a rough couple years for you Dan, which is why I'm talking to you now when normally I would have stayed out of it, I want to give you your best chance," he says in a much softer tone, I look up, curious at the change in tone, only to shrink back when I see kindness in his eyes, kindness and knowledge.   
'Fuck he knows', I think. 'How the fuck does he know!' I jump up from my seat and the chair flies to the ground.   
'I can't breath, I can't breath', my mind screams as I bring my hand up to my chest, clenching my shirt.   
"Daniel?", Mr. Kelling says in a worried tone, "Are you okay?".  
I can't answer, I can't breath.   
I grab my stuff off the floor and flee the room. Caught between the feeling of fainting and the feeling of throwing up.   
Somehow I stumble into my room, struggling out of my constricting clothes that feel like they are choking me, suffocating me, touching me.   
The sight of my body disgusts me, covered in bruises and cuts, so dirty, so broken, hideous.   
I start rubbing at my arms, trying to rub away the dirt, It won't come off, It's never coming off, It's inside me and It won't get out.  
"Filthy useless faggot," my dads voice rings in my head.   
I stumble my way to the bathroom, sit in the tub and turn the water onto full blast, not caring as it starts to burn my skin with the heat, maybe I can burn away the dirt, I grab a washcloth from the counter and start scrubbing my body, trying to clean it, trying to get rid of the dirt, I don't even notice when the cuts on my arms and legs reopen and start bleeding again. Turning the water a pale pink.   
I keep scrubbing at my body, till the previously unbroken skin is red and raw and bleeding.   
The dirt won't get off me, it's inside me, I need to get ride of the dirt. I keep scrubbing, tears running down my face until the pain becomes to much and by body just stops, everything goes black and I drift into unconsciousness.


	20. History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...guys this ones a rough one. One of my favourites from the story but not an easy one. Warnings: reference to past self harm, past suicide attempt, past abuse, current self harm

PEEJ's POV  
Dan didn't show up for first period today. I don't even know what to think anymore. I've known Dan my whole life and I know when he is getting to a self-destructive point, but this, this is more dangerous than any of his episodes from the past, I'm not sure what caused the change in him but he's different. His hope is gone.   
I pull my jacket closer around myself as I get to the front of the dorms and starting walking up the steps to the front door.   
I reach around in my bag for my ID card. My hands freezing up in the outside air.   
I finally find my ID card and scan it to get inside the building. I shuffle in, hanging up my coat as I walk over to Dan's room, ready to wake him up from whatever drunken state he is in.   
The light is off when I push the door open, it's unlocked, which is weird for Dan, because of his past experiences he doesn't like having the door unlocked or open, it makes it to easy to get inside. I shut the door quietly when I walk in, not wanting to wake him yet as I walk to the bed, I pull the covers back, expecting to see him curled in a ball underneath them, liquor bottle in hand.   
But he's not there.   
I frown and start to walk around the room. My foot start to slip on the floor and I look down, seeing a puddle that has spread all around the room, coming from the bathroom.   
My heart stops and I'm instantly transported back in time...  
Dan and I had known each other as long as I can remember, we lived next to each other as kids, went to all the same schools...   
Dan was the kid that everyone wanted to be: rich, popular, smart, attractive. I was the only one who got to see that all of those things came with a price.   
I was 9 years old the first time I realized that Dan's father verbally and physically abused him.   
I was 14 years old the first time I realized that Dan had been sexually abused.   
And I was 16 years old the first time Dan tried to kill himself.   
I remember walking into his bathroom, just like I was doing now and finding him collapsed against the ground, blood leaking out of his cut wrists as he slowly bled to death.   
I pray to God I'm not too late. 

I shove open the bathroom door, almost running into the wall in my frenzy, I freeze, and my heart drops as I see Dan in the tub, surrounded by a sea of lightly pink water, luckily his head is above water so at least he didn't drown, if he's even still alive. For a moment I can't move, I'm frozen as the past wars with the present in my mind. The facet is still on, despite the overflow and all I can hear is the steady stream of water hitting water, taunting me, I know the sound of running water will forever haunt me after this day. 

I'm over at Dan's side before I even realize what I'm doing. It's like having an out of body experience. My body knows what to do but my mind can't handle the situation and has left, leaving me with a deathly sort of calm.   
I grab his shoulders and lift him out of the tub, water splashing everywhere as I set him on the ground. I set his head in my lap as I turn both of his wrists over looking for cuts, I don't find any significant cuts. But the skin is rubbed raw, almost as if it had been burned, and all the smaller old self-harm cuts on his arms are open and lightly bleeding as well. I tilt his chin up and put my ear next to his nose and mouth to listen for breathing.   
At first I don't hear anything and my entire body starts to shake, but the I can very subtly pick up on his shaky intake of breath.   
Once I have confirmation that he is still alive it's like all the adrenaline fades out of my body and I collapse on the wet floor. My entire body starts shaking and yet, I still feel numb. 

Eventually I regain enough control over myself that I turn off the tub and pick Dan up by his shoulders careful not to touch anywhere else incase it hurts him, as I carry him from the bathroom and lay him on the bed.   
I weigh my options. I could call an ambulance but then Dan's father would be informed on what happened and he would make this little episode here look like a walk in the park compared to what he would do to Dan.   
I put my head in my hands, I don't know what to do!   
I rationalize with myself that I will keep an eye on him and if he looks like he's not getting better or if he gets worse then I will call the police.   
Suddenly I realize that my whole body is shivering. The entire room is freezing and we are both sopping wet. I get up and open Dan's dresser, grabbing a pair of sweats and t-shirts for both of us, I quickly shrug off my wet clothes and pull on Dan's dry ones. I then turn to the bed and after a pause start taking his clothes off as well. I make sure to watch his face, to make sure that he doesn't wake up at all during his experience. He doesn't need those memories right now. Eventually I manage to get him out of his dripping clothes and I pick the dry ones up, ready to try to put them on him and hopefully warm him up when I begin to notice the cuts all over his body.   
I knew that he was cutting again, not that he ever really stopped, but I had no idea that it had gotten this far.   
His chest is covered in burns, cuts, and scars, some of them newer, some years old. The burns continue down onto his thighs, especially his inner thighs, where old scar tissue is covered with new burns and cuts, this is also where the writing starts, words like faggot, disgusting, and worthless, carved over and over into his skin, leaving it indented. This is when the burns start to stop and the serious cutting begins, hundreds of little cuts, layered on top of one another, crisscross down his legs in a gruesome pattern. His arms, which are still bright red for whatever reason and are lightly bleeding everywhere from old scars, are in better shape that anywhere else on his body.   
Suddenly my legs give out and my knees hit the floor, hard enough to make me cry out, but I don't make a sound. I can barely breath.   
I lean my head against the side of his bed, right next to his arm, where I can see the puckered scar of where he tried to kill himself many years ago. My vision starts to swim and my breathing gets erratic, my calm finally leaving me and the shock settling in. I cross my legs and wrap my hands around my head. Pressing as hard as I can, trying to disappear into myself, the sobbing becomes uncontrollable.


	21. Crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: language, fighting

PHIL's POV  
A pair of hands cover my eyes as I'm walking down the hall towards my computer engineering class, I stop, breaking out into a smile as a voice leans up and whispers in my ear ,"Guess who?". I laugh and reach behind me to grab onto the wrists covering my eyes as I turn myself to face Troye. I release one of his hands, still holding the other, as I reach up with my free hand to lightly caress his face ,"Hhmmm I wonder who it could be...", I say as I dip my head down to his lips, claiming them in a sweet kiss, "I'm gonna have to go with... Troye after some careful consideration", I whisper in his ear. "Hey that's cheating!", he says, sounding out of breath. I laugh breaking free from his spell as we turn to walk down the hall, holding hands. 

My phone buzzes in my pocket, alerting me to a text. I pull my phone out and read it as we walk down the hall. I suddenly stop, my brain faltering as I struggle to understand what has been sent to me.   
"What's wrong?", Troye asks with a worried look on his face. "Nothing, my mom just texted me to tell me that this guy I used to go to school with might be transferring here after the semester and I just...", I cut myself off, still trying to absorb the information.   
"But what's wrong?", he says again, staring into my eyes as he reaches on hand up to cup my cheek. "Nothing really...umm... It's a long story", I say, my voice breaking towards the end. "We have a little while", Troye says, leading me over to a bench.   
"I don't know why I even said it was a long story cause it isn't really, it's painfully short", I say with a harsh laugh. "It's simple really, it was high school and I thought I was in love..."  
It was my senior year of high school, I had a feeling I was into guys yet I hadn't come out of the closet and I wasn't planning too, I wasn't ready to face the judgment from other people as well as the judgement from myself. I was walking down the halls of my old high school digging through my bag, not really watching where I'm going(like normal) when I suddenly bumped into a warm body, all my books and all of theirs went flying all over the floor. "What the fuck!", says an annoyed voice. I look up and my heart stops when I see that I have run into Logan Paul and his gang, the most popular guys at my school. "I... umm... I'm sorry.. I just...", I stammer, backing away from them as quickly as I can. "Get the fuck out of here you loser", one of the guys says with a laugh. "Hey man lay off, lets just get out of here", says a guy towards the back with a tone of authority in his voice, even though he is part of Logan's clique. I lift my eyes off the ground to see the voice that somewhat spoke in my defense. It's a tall guy with an interesting accent, tan skin, and blonde hair. "Fine, whatever Caspar", Logan says as he leads his gang away from me. Caspar looks back giving me a crooked smile as he trails behind his friends. 

"Did you have another run in with Logan's gang after that", Troye asks with a confused expression. "Kinda, but it's a lot more complicated than that", I say sadly. 

The rest of the week goes by without issue and I start to forget about the whole incident at all, figuring I had made it out to be bigger than it actually was. I was walking home from school the second week when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I freaked out a little, not expecting anyone to touch me but when I turned around it was Caspar. Initially I thought he came to beat me up, to finish business or something, but all he wanted was to talk. Like we were old friends. It was so weird, yet our personalities just clicked and we could talk about anything. The walk home flew by and by the time we arrived at my house I felt like I had known him for years. He asked for my phone number and I held my phone out to him so he could put his contact info in.   
After that day we texted everyday, we would sometimes meet up at my house and play video games, never his house, he would find the little excuses to touch me and it would make my heart pound like crazy, yet he didn't seem affected at all so I tried to act like I wasn't either. We would never hang out at school, he said it was something about protecting me from his asshole friends but honestly I think it was more about trying to save his reputation. Whatever, back then I didn't care, I had a new friend and that meant the world to me. We kept up this secret friendship for weeks. We would walk home together and text throughout the day.   
It was the night of prom when things started to go downhill, I went to the dance with my friends while Caspar went with the most popular beautiful girl at our school, Eva Gutowski. My friends weren't really into the scene so we just sat at our table and watched everyone around us dance and have fun. Eva and Caspar were inseparable, they danced so close it should have been illegal. I sat there fuming, thinking I was jealous because I didn't have anyone to dance with the way they were dancing together, but then I realized that I wasn't jealous because of that, I was jealous because I wanted it to be me that was grinding with Caspar.   
The realization shocked me and I left the dance immediately, scared and frustrated with my thoughts.   
I ignored Caspar that whole weekend and all of Monday before the infamous walk home. He confronted me about it, asking me why I was ignoring him, I told him to leave me alone but he just kept pushing me the whole way home. I didn't talk to him the whole way home and when we got to my house I slammed the front door in his face. I knew I was being childish and it wasn't Caspar's fault that I had a crush on him but I couldn't help it.   
After that he got the message and avoided me completely, I couldn't decide if I was happy about that or angry, maybe a little bit of both.   
Eventually I guess he had enough or something because he confronted me a couple days later at school, which was totally out of character for him. He pulled me behind a building and said, "Okay I've been trying to give you your space but I just don't get it, I didn't do anything wrong so why are you avoiding me?" I refused to answer, trying to push my way past him and get back into the hall. "Okay this is such bullshit", he said as he grabbed me and turned me to face him, tilting my chin up with his hand, "What did I do?", he asked with a confused expression on his face. But I couldn't breath, I was staring directly into his eyes and his face was so close to mine and before I could even think about it I had closed the distance between us and was kissing his lips. He was shocked and didn't move for a couple moments and my heart started to pound even faster, thinking I had made the worst mistake ever, when suddenly, he kissed me back, not majorly, just the slightest movement of his lips but it went all the way to my soul. I started kissing him in almost a frenzy then, both of us just so caught up in the moment that we didn't process anything happening around us until it was too late. "Casp, Yo Caspar, where you at?", called a voice around the corner. We both heard it at the same time and tried to break away before we were caught but we weren't quick enough. "What the FUCK?!", yelled Logan Paul as he stepped behind the building with his gang of friends, looking angry and confused. At first I was worried for Caspar, afraid that they were going to hurt him, my worry vanished a second later when Caspar pushed me away from him and said, "What the fuck are you doing faggot, get the fuck off me you little bitch". I stumbled backward, unable to keep my balance and fell hard onto the ground, scraping my palms when I hit. Caspar winched and his look turned to guilt for a second before Logan came up to us. "You fucking faggots", he spit, "Thinking you can just go around spreading your disgusting perversion", he growled at me, "Your disgusting", he said as he got up to go away with Caspar. "Fucking coward", I whispered under my breath, hoping Caspar would hear, he did and he paled, unfortunately he wasn't the only one who heard. "What the fuck did you just say to me fag?", Logan said as he turned around. I ignored him as I tried to pick myself off the ground. "Fucking say something when I'm talking to you you abomination", he growled as he came over to me and kicked me in my side, and pain spread through my ribs. I curled into a ball, trying to protect myself. Fuck you", I seethed at him, past the point of caring. "You do not talk to me like that fucking faggot!", he yelled before kicking me in my side again, the breath whooshed out of my lungs but before I could recover, he kicked me again, yelling curses and insults as he got his gang to join in, some of the guys stepped forward, hoisting me off the ground and upright while Logan went in front of me, he punched me in the stomach and I doubled over from the pain. I saw Caspar behind him, looking like he himself was in pain. He then grabbed my hair and yanked my head up. "You are going to hell", he said staring into my eyes, his blazing with fury. "Well then I'll see you there", I growled at him, maintaining eye contact. He roared and punched me in the face as his friends threw me at the wall, my back and head slamming into it as I saw stars and crumbled to the ground. That's when they started kicking me and stomping on me.   
I was in a state of half consciousness when a teacher finally realized what was happening and called out, trying to stop Logan and his gang, Logan and his gang saw the teacher and ran away before he could bust them. I'm not sure where Caspar went, if he was with them or if he left before, I don't know. 

I had to go to the hospital and get stitches along my ribs, none of them were broken, just badly bruised. My right hand was broken, which meant that I couldn't draw properly for two months. I was covered in cuts and bruises and in a lot of pain but overall I didn't have any major injuries and I was free to go home after the first night. My parents were devastated, at first I didn't tell them what really happened, only that some guys from school had beat me up, but eventually they got it out of me and I told them the whole story, starting from the beginning. I was sobbing by the end of it and my mom, dad, and brother came over to hold me in a giant group hug. I have never felt so supported in my life.   
My parents refused to send me back to that school so I finished my senior year at a school not to far away and tried my best to put the issue behind me.   
Sometimes I still get nightmares in the middle of the night and wake up shaking. I hate feeling like the victim and I promised myself I would never feel that way again. 

"I'm so sorry", said Troye, with tears in his eyes, "I couldn't even imagine". I sighed. "It was over a year ago and I'm over it, I'm just happy to have someone like you in my life who can make me forget about the bad stuff", I said, resting the side of my head against the top of his as he cuddled into my shoulder. We didn't say anything after that. Just sat and enjoyed each other's company for as long as we could. 

I got to engineering a couple minutes late and tried not to draw to much attention to myself as I slid into my seat. After a couple minutes I looked to my right, expecting to see Peej lounging back in his seat, his eyes dancing wildly across the room but when I turned to my right Peej wasn't there.


	22. Tutor

One week later 

Dan's POV 

Fuck my head hurts. I've been caught between being extremely hungover and extreme drunk my whole life but honestly I have to say this is definitely one of the worst hangovers in my life.  
Every step I take towards my Calculus 121 class is like a bomb going off in my head.   
I quietly make my way to my seat, sliding in without engaging anyone, even Alfie who is sitting on my right, at the beginning he used to try to talk to me, to get me to open up, he knows now that that would be a wasted effort. 

The class pass in a blur. Honestly I don't even care anymore and I don't know why I even bother going, sometime I wonder why I even bother at all.   
Before I'm able to leave my professor calls my name, beckoning me to the front of the lecture. I grab my books and head up there, my heart beating fast with a strong sense of déjà vu.   
"Daniel-" my professor says as I walk up to her desk- "it's been brought to my attention by administration that you are slipping past the boarder of being able to recover, academically wise," she says to me. "On the principle of your future success and your fathers hefty influence in this establishment. It has been decided that you are to receive a tutor for the two subjects you are having trouble with, I have several tutors set up for you and you will have one study session with each of them to determine the one that works best for you and then at the end of the week you will report back to me with your choice", she says in a clipped tone, clearly I have no say and the matter has already been decided. "Your first session is in 15 minutes in the library, I suggest you get moving", she says, looking down at her notes, curtly dismissing me. I pick up my bag and turn around, heading down the hall, trying to ignore the racing in my heart. I was stupid. I should have realized that my father would find out about my slipping grades and interfere. At least he didn't do anything personally, there's still time for me to fix my grades before he could become fully involved.   
I shove my shaking hands in my pockets and I head for the library, hangover forgotten as I try to distract myself by wondering who my new tutor will be. Ms. Brinchan said that I would be testing out a couple different tutors to see which one worked best for me.   
I lift my head up to look at the heavy doors in front of me as I reach the library, the library is considered one of the most beautiful places on campus, a cross between modern and classical. It's architecture has a quality about it that will please just about anyone. It instantly calms me as I reach for the handles and let myself in.   
My calm fades a second later as I see the only person in the library besides me at this time, is that guy that Phil's been hanging out with, Trevor or something.   
Unease curls in my gut and my legs tense as I get ready to leave and pretend I was never here. Unlucky for me, that's when the guy gets up and walks over to me.   
He smiles up at me as soon as he reaches me and holds one hand out, "Hello, my name's Troye and I'm your first option as a tutor or something like that", he says with a laugh. I hesitate for a second but then grudgingly hold out my hand "Dan", is all I say. If the name sparks any recognition in him he doesn't let on. "Well how about we go sit at my table and just get this thing started", he says with a smile, his Australian accent strong, gesturing behind him to the table. I just nod and he leads me back to his original table.   
"Ok so administration told me that you were having some trouble with...


	23. Storm

A couple hours later  
DAN'S POV  
The cold air bites into my neck and face as I walk down the street towards the dorms. Seeing Troye brought all my issues into focus. Not that he wasn't super cool and polite, just the opposite, he's a real genuine good person, and he's perfect for Phil. The wind picks up next to me, I tighten my coat around me as garbage is being blown away next to me.   
Meeting him made me realize how toxic I am for Phil, Phil is pure and innocent and sweet but I am fucked up and broken, we could never have been together even if I wanted to be. Meeting Troye for the first time did put something into context for me, I'm falling in love with Phil, but Phil's falling in love with Troye.   
Which honestly is the better option, Troye can give Phil everything he needs and he can love him fully. I'm not sure if I'll even be able to love someone fully after what has been done to me.   
The sky breaks above me and water starts pouring down, I don't run or hide, I just let it wash over me, chilling me to the bone, I look down at the ground, watching as the water drips off my face onto the sidewalk.   
So all in all its better this way, for Phil to end up with Troye and for them to live happily ever after. And for me to be alone.   
Less damage.   
I begin walking again, a deep sense of nothingness pulling at my heart.   
And I mean completely alone, no more one night stands, no more fucking random people at parties. I'm done. I owe that much to Phil. Even if we will never be together, not like I would ever deserve that anyways, I deserve nothing.   
My fathers voice comes to mind ,"Don't think the world owes you shit boy because it doesn't. You are nothing in this world and you are no one of significance. Your a fucking bastard and you deserve nothing."  
I reach my hand up, rubbing at my eyes that give away who I truly am. Everyone in my family has green eyes... everyone except me.   
"You fucking leech, you and your fucking whore mother have done nothing but take from me, your lucky that we had to keep up appearances or I would have thrown you out on the street the day you were born, you filthy abomination."   
I can't feel my hands anymore. It takes me 5 minutes to open up the door.   
Naturally right when I finally manage to get the door open I almost stumble into a pair of brilliant blue eyes.

PHIL'S POV  
I jump back about a foot when I open the door. Dan is on the other side and he is completely soaking wet.   
"Oh my god I'm sorry", I say as I jump back letting him get by me to get out of the freezing rain. Dan doesn't move though, he just stares at me. Water dripping from face onto the pavement.   
I look up into his eyes and almost jerk back when I see the amount of pain inside of them, "Dan?", I say reaching out to help him.   
He must see the look on my face because before I make contact be breaks away, turning around back into the rain, he starts walking, the storm swells around him, angry wind and pounding rain whip his hair and his clothes around him but he hardly seems to notice as he vanishes into the storm. Not looking back.


	24. Deja Vu

PHIL'S POV  
I'm just finishing the last few details of my doodle in Advanced Lit when the door slams open in the middle of class.   
I, and about half of the class, jump out of our seats at the sudden intrusion, and we all turn around as a whole to look at what made the intense noise.   
It's the head administrator for the school, and man does he look upset. He marches up the steps toward the professor and then leans down to whisper in his ear.   
The professor looks confused for a second and then falters as realization dawns on his face.   
The professor immediately composes himself and then turns to the whole class and says, "Sorry for the intrusion but I'm afraid we will have to cut class short today. Don't be alarmed, nothing is wrong, there's just... umm a... an issue with one of the classrooms that... that needs to be dealt with before we can continue. See you all next week, class dismissed", he says before quickly grabbing his stuff and rushing out of the room, on the heels of the head administrator. I spring up from my seat and almost run for the door. I open the door and watch the administration head to the lector hall right across from us. My heart starts beating quickly, sensing something is wrong. I watch them open the door to the hall across from me and my eyes widen when I see the name, Calculus 121, Peej is in that class right now!   
My whole body is covered with goose bumps as I imagine what horrible things could have happened in that classroom with Peej in it.   
The door starts to open again and my heart starts beating like crazy again until I see Peej step out of the door with the administration staff. I feel myself exhale the breath I didn't even know I was holding as I finally start to calm down my overactive imagination.   
Suddenly Peej turns around, I get ready to wave or smile incase he saw me but the look on his face as he blindly scans the crowd, makes my hand freeze in motion before it can even start to wave.   
He looks lost, like he's already in mourning, like whatever hope he had left has been drained from his body.   
I feel my blood turn to ice in my veins as I watch his blind eyes scan the crowd, not really seeing anything as the head of administration starts to talk to him.   
Suddenly the lost look on his face fades away and is replaced with a look so murderous that it almost made me step back. He steps away from the Head Administrator as if being near him was revolting. He turns toward the Administrator and says something so angry and vile, that even though I cannot hear the words, I can practically guess what he said. The Administrator looks down at him with a sneer and starts walking towards a black car. Peej reluctantly follows, that dead look back on his face again as he pushes himself into the back of the vehicle.   
Before I can even react the vehicle starts speeding away and I know I've lost it.   
Panicking I grab my phone and text Chris's number, hoping Peej will tell him wear he is going.   
I start heading back to the dorms while I wait for a text back. I'm almost halfway there when my phone buzzes in my pocket and I look down at it quickly.   
Before I even know what I'm doing my feet are turning my body around and running in the opposite direction, everything else, forgotten.   
My hair is blowing around my face like crazy but my only thought is about trying to remember how to get back there again after these few months, my thoughts seem to come to a halt as my body wars with a sense of déjà vu.   
Please don't let me be too late.


	25. Last Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of domestic violence against a child, self harm, suicide, rape

DAN'S POV  
I wake up to the hum of the fluorescent lights above my bed. I blink my eyes, trying to adjust to the light as I take in my surroundings.   
White walls, white floor, white ceiling, white bed, there's way to much white in this room, signifying it must be a hospital.   
I try to pull myself upright, my neck cracking in the process, but panic when I realize that I can barely support my own weight.   
I look down over my body, covered with a white sheet, trying to remember how I got here.   
My arms give out on me and I collapse back onto the bed, my whole body aching in the process.   
I feel so weak and exhausted, my eyelids slip shut on their own accord and against my will I slip into unconsciousness.

PHIL'S POV  
They won't let me see him. Because I'm not family. They won't even tell me why he's here and I haven't even got the chance to talk to Peej yet.   
Part of me is frustrated that I care this much. I barely even know Dan and one kiss hardly means anything, not to mention that Dan literally told me to never speak to him again.   
He wouldn't want me here, so why can't I just get up and leave?  
I rub my hands over my eyes, resting my arms on my legs as I sit in an uncomfortable hospital chair.   
I've been here for about an hour and I know nothing, not if he's okay or in surgery or dead.   
I run my hand through my hair, pulling at the fringe until it starts to hurt.   
The sound of footsteps near me makes me jerk my head up and stand up quickly as I see Peej walking down the hallway towards me.   
We make eye contact and he doesn't even seem surprised to see me here.   
He stops in the middle of the hallway, emotions warring across his face before it finally settles into resolution and he strides towards me.

PEEJ'S POV  
I'm done. There's nothing more I can do for him, I've done everything I can, but I can't fix everything, I don't know if anybody can to be honest.   
But there's one thing I haven't tried, and I have no idea if it would even work, but I'm out of options and even though I know I'm breaking Dan's trust, that won't matter much in the future if he's dead.   
I walk up to Phil, he has a frantic look in his eyes and he seems to be desperately searching mine for answers, I wonder what he sees.   
"Is he okay", he asks as soon as I step up to him.   
"He's not dead", I answer, that's the best I can give him.   
At first he looks relieved but when the look on my face doesn't fade he seems to realize that's there's more to this than he thinks.   
"Let's talk", I say as I grab his arm and gently lead him into a room down the hall.

We walk into the room and I shut the door, slowly turning around, trying to think about how to explain this, how to explain... everything.   
"Are you gonna ask me to leave", he says in a flat voice.   
I shake my head, still trying to come up with words.   
He steps back shakily and leans against the table on the side of the wall.   
"Ok listen, I don't know how to explain this the right way so I'm just gonna start from the beginning and see how it goes", I say.   
He looks confused but nods anyway.   
I take a deep breath, feeling chills run over my skin as I remember the past.   
"Dan and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember, I moved here in second grade and we have been inseparable since," I smile, remembering the good old days, before I realized all the shit that my best friend had to deal with at home, " I think I was about nine years old when I first started noticing things, like how often Dan would miss school, the fact that I had never met his parents or been invited over, despite Dan having met my parents and been over to my house countless times, I'm kinda mad that I didn't realize it sooner yet I doubt I could have even done anything," I laugh humorlessly, " That summer I invited him over and asked him if he wanted to go swim, he said yes but kept his shirt on, it was a long sleeve, which I thought was really weird so I asked him about it, he clammed up and made some excuse so I pestered him about it until I jokingly went over and tried to pull the shirt over his head. He panicked and yanked it down, but not before I saw the bruises and handprints covering his chest and arms. I froze, unsure what this meant while Dan scrambled out of the pool and left, making some excuse. By the time I realized that he was gone, it was too late and I couldn't stop him. He avoided my calls for weeks afterward and I started to panic, I went on the internet to try to get some answers about what I saw and as I'm sure you can guess, what I found shocked me." I had never been exposed to that kind of violence in my entire life, I didn't even know that people did things like that. I lift my head from where I was staring at my shoes to glance at Phil's face, he was staring off into the distance, his face whiter thank normal. I look back down.   
"Yeah, I had the same reaction, I tried talking to him but he kept clamming up, he wouldn't let me help him, so I tried helping him in the only ways he would let me, I invited him over all the time so he wouldn't have to be alone and eventually I managed to convince him to let me spend the night, his parents reputations are very important to them, they wouldn't dare do anything to him while I was there, I spent all my time trying to make sure he wasn't alone around them, which even though he has never told me, I know he appreciated. Eventually as we got older, it started to get better, at least that's what I thought, turns out it wasn't the people that I spent all my time worrying about hurting him that ended up hurting him the most, it was himself."  
I laugh bitterly, "Dan and I were both coming to terms with things, personal things, and we had different ways of dealing with it, I eventually accepted myself and am happy now, with Chris". I smile at the thought of my boyfriend. I'm going to need him after this.   
I take a deep breath, "Dan has never accepted himself, and at this rate probably never will", I say sadly.   
I run my hands through my hair, thinking about how to phrase this next part, I don't even know how I'm going to get through it myself. I've never said it out loud.   
"When Dan was 14 years old, he got wasted, apparently he had been doing that a lot lately, not that I knew", I say bitterly. "He hadn't been returning my calls so I went over to his house without telling him and walked in on him cutting himself", I pause, the memories of that day blending with memories of the present. I can feel the emotion pouring off Phil, but I don't dare look at him, afraid whatever I see on his face will set me off and I won't be able to continue.   
"He jumped when he saw me and the razor he was using slipped in his hand, cutting really deep into his wrist and blood started pouring out. I'll never forget his face when he saw me, I never expected to see such fear and depression focused on me, I never wanna see that look on his face ever again", I say, choking up, as I put my fists over my eyes. Phil still hasn't spoken. I don't know if he even can.   
"I ran into the bathroom in his room, grabbing a washcloth as we tried to stop the bleeding, he wouldn't even look at me, he kept trying to push me away but he was drunk and couldn't do much. That's when I first noticed the scars that were layering his arms, apparently he had been doing this for a while... when the bleeding stopped I made him show me where his other razors are and I took all the ones he gave me, I doubt he gave me all of them, he still wouldn't even look at me or talk to me."   
"Is this all of them?", I ask, holding 4 razors in my hands. "Yeah", he says, still not looking at me. "Dan", I say, stepping closer to him, he turns away, trying to stay out of my line of sight, rubbing at the bandages I wrapped around his arms. "Daniel", I say, grabbing his shoulder and forcing him to face me. He reluctantly turns towards me, eyes downcast, shrinking in on himself, trying to make himself invisible, "Dan", I say, my voice breaking as I reach out and grab him, crushing him to my chest and holding him close. He freezes, seeming surprised before he eventually wraps his arms around me as well and collapses against me.   
I hold him up when he can't hold himself

"What happened after that", Phil says when I pause, his voice rough.   
I keep my head in my hands, I can feel them shaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up.   
I back up against the wall, leaning against the door as I slide down till I hit the floor and curl into myself.   
"It was a couple months later", I say, my voice breaking as I try to force out the words, "that I found out why he started", I choke back a sob, "apparently, somehow, he had formed a friendship with one of his dads friends that comes over all the time, and he", my voice cuts off as I start hiccuping," he uh, he got Dan really drunk one night, and he must have slipped him something because he...", I start sobbing for real this time and I feel rather than see, Phil get up and walk over to me, sitting against the wall with me, our shoulders touching.   
"He raped him..", I say in between sobs, "and apparently he had been doing it for months afterwards", I say through my sobs," he told Dan that if he told anyone, he would tell his father that Dan... wanted it and asked for it". I stop, needing a second as my whole body starts to shake.   
"I couldn't even help him", I whisper, my voice far off and broken, "I had to watch him suffer through that because there was nothing I could do", I say, my sobs becoming violent as the memories assault me.   
I can vaguely hear Phil talking to me, but the sound is background noise and I can't focus.   
"I was 16 years old when everything changed, I think that was when Dan lost hope", I lift my head out of my hands, the tears in my eyes making it impossible for me to see.   
"That was the first time he tried to kill himself", I say, my voice steady, I feel Phil freeze next me and hear his breath catch in his throat next to me. I can't even comfort him, I'm frozen, frozen in time, frozen back in that day.   
"I was the one who found him, he had slit his wrists and was practically dead, I thought he was already dead", I say, my voice devoid of emotion, "I called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital, he didn't die, obviously.   
However, while he was there, they did see all his old and new scars as well as the bruises from his father and his rapist", I say with a sneer.   
"They kept him on suicide watch and tried to treat the other damaged areas on his body while he was passed out, this is when they, and the rest of his family, found out about the rapes, apparently there was severe bruising on his lower body as well as tearing...", I can't finish, it's like the words are stuck in my throat. "They realized really quickly what was happening and rushed to inform his family, of both the rape and the cutting, thinking that they would demand justice", a humorless laugh escapes me," His father was appalled, not necessarily at his friend, but at Dan, for supposedly encouraging his friend and being a faggot. His father completely shunned him after that, but naturally they had to keep up appearances so they told everyone that Dan got into a car accident", I say with hatred in my voice.   
"They treat Dan like fucking shit", I say, my voice breaking as the tears start again, "His family, the ones who are supposed to love him unconditionally, encouraged him to commit suicide", I break off sobbing. "That's why Dan can't accept himself, all the memories he's got with liking men have been tainted by either his parents or his rapist", I say, my voice layered with a deep sadness.   
"It's a vicious cycle with him, one that will only end when he finally succeeds in killing himself."


	26. For you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: slight mention of cutting, eating disorder

PHIL'S POV  
Very few days in my life have passed as slowly as these next few days did.   
According to Peej, the doctors said that Dan has woken up a couple times but he's been kinda out of it and is still in a critical state so he can't have visitors yet.   
None of us are really sure what happened because the doctors won't tell us cause we aren't family and Peej(Dan's emergency contact) hasn't said anything if he knows.

I pull my knees up to my chest, shivering despite my jacket and the mild temperature of the room.   
I don't know if I'll ever really be warm again.

Peej and Chris are sitting in the chairs across from me, Peej sitting very similar to me, with his head on Chris's shoulder as he snores softly.   
Chris is still awake. His usual smile gone, his eyes way to old for his face.   
Ever since mine and Peej's conversation a couple nights ago Peej has developed a sense of detachment, he hardly talks, even when spoken too, and in the few instances that he's awake, it's apparent that he isn't really here anymore. Something inside him seems to have snapped and it seems like the old Peej is fading in front of my eyes.   
The only time that he even seems alive anymore is when he looks at Chris.   
Looking a Peej and Chris together makes my heart hurt because no matter what he does or no matter who I have in my life currently, my heart wants Dan, simple and yet so complicated at the same time, yet that's not gonna happen, I have Troye and he's the better person for me, not like Dan wants me anyway, he will probably be furious to learn I was even here. That thought makes my heart hurt all over again and I turn my attention back to the boys on the chairs across from me.   
I hope when this is all over, one way or another, that Peej and Chris stay together. I really don't think Peej can handle loosing another person, and after this many days of no change... my mind has basically made itself up about how this is gonna end.   
And it doesn't look good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DAN'S POV  
My head feels like it's trying to run through mud when I wake up.   
I wince as I sit up on my bed. Rubbing my eyes as I wait for the familiar feeling of hunger and exhaustion to pass enough that I could pretend to function again.   
I wait what feels like a couple minutes but could have been a couple seconds or a couple hours, but the feeling never completely passes. I bring my arm up to pull the covers off my body before I realize that my arm is hooked to an IV.   
My heart rate speeds up slightly and I jerk my head up, instantly getting hit with a wave of dizziness so bad that I have to sit back in the bed to avoid passing out. But those couple seconds of looking around have provided me with enough information to know where I am.   
A hospital bed. Again.   
Like I could forget. I'm here so fucking much they should just make this my personal room.   
I look around slowly, trying to remember how I got here this time, but my mind draws a blank.   
I look down at my arms which look bad but no worse then usual. Seeing my scars so open and stark in this pristine white room makes me uncomfortable so I tuck them under the stiff hospital blankets as I lay my head back against the pillow, trying to collect my thoughts as they continue to swim across my head.

About an hour later a nurse comes in, she seems surprised to see me awake and rushes to find a doctor, a couple minutes later the girl brings in an older female doctor, a tall woman with a blond bob and intelligent blue eyes. I can instantly feel an aura of strength around her and my defenses come up. She comes over and starts checking my stats on the machines by my bed. Making notes on her tablet. Finally she turns to me.   
"Hello Daniel my name is Dr. Izomer and I am your leading physician today. How are you feeling right now?"  
It takes me a couple extra seconds to process what she is saying but once I do I open my mouth but nothing coherent comes out. I start to panic, my mind filled with thoughts of never being able to talk again when the doctor says   
"No no it's fine don't strain yourself, there will be plenty of time to talk later, your vitals look better, your blood sugar is still really low but the IV drip your on right now should help that issue. Do you remember why you are here?" She asks, coming closer to my bed but wisely not touching me.   
I shake my head, since my voice still seems beyond my control. She nods and says, " That's perfectly fine, your voice and your memory should come back shortly once you get some rest and continue to recover." She pauses, seeming to think before collecting her words.   
"Three days ago you were brought in on an ambulance after a civilian found you unconscious downtown in Manchester." She pauses again. Probably giving my slow brain time to process her words. "You were severely malnourished and exhausted when you were brought in as well as mildly hypothermic from being in the rain and cold for a couple hours. We had to put you on bypass to warm your core temperature but you should fully recover from your hypothermia in a couple more days. As for your other injuries..." she stops, looking at where my wrists are under the sheets.   
I feel the blood rise to my face, both from embarrassment as well as anger.   
She senses the change in me and I expect her to back off but instead she surprises me, she reaches over, grabbing a chair and rolling over to sit next to me.   
"I'm gonna be frank with you Daniel, if you keep this up at this rate your going right now, there's a good chance that next time you come in. We won't be having this talk, we won't be having any talks. Your body fat level is dangerously low. In a couple months, your body will run out of muscle and fat to use as food, it will eventually turn to your major organs, even your brain. That coupled with the amount of blood you are loosing could lead to consequences that can't be fixed. And I don't know, maybe that's what you want, for everything to be over," she said shifting to the side and looking me square in the eyes, no matter how much I tried to shift them away.   
"Your death might be an option for you but it is not an option for me," she said, staring directly into my eyes.   
"And if I have to help you fight all the goddamn demons in hell to get through this then that's what I'm going to do... for you."


	27. Collateral Damage

DAN'S POV  
Dr. Izomer left a couple minutes after her speech. And to be completely honest... I wasn't sure how to feel about it, when people learn about the shit that happened in my past or when the see my scars or whatever you really only get different variations of the same two emotions: shock and pity. Most people either don't know how to handle the information or they are like Peej and take everything personally, like it's their fault for my choices. I've never had a person be angry for me instead of at me. And yet the idea of someone wanting to help me help myself, terrifies me unlike anything else. It makes everything that happened in my past seem real and the thought of having to re-live that fucking shit all over again makes me wanna take the doctors first option rather then the one she just said.   
My thoughts are cut off when the nurse from before peeks her head in. "There's a young man outside named Peej, your emergency contact, would you like to speak to him now?" she asks.   
My first instinct is to say no. My mind is too slow to hold any form of conversation and my emotions are way to volatile for me to trust anything that I might say.   
I nod though, cause it's Peej and if i owe anyone a couple seconds of my time it's him.   
She nods back and closes the door. The sound of her feet receding down the hall.   
I try to scoot up on my bed, to give the impression of being healthier then I am but that slight movement exhausts me so much that I have to lay my head back on the pillow and close my eyes to avoid passing out again.   
"Dan?" he says, his voice desolate.   
I reopen my eyes and turn my head to face him but don't bother trying to lift myself up again.   
"Peej", I say, my voice scratchy from lack of use. I cough slightly, making my whole body hurt.   
My vision clears and I see him leaning against the wall. Looking like he hasn't sleep; with bags under his eyes and his rumpled clothes.   
He waits for me to talk, for me to explain, for me to make everything all right again, but I can't, nothing can and I'm not sure what to say to him. Sorry is definitely not gonna cut it. Not after all the shit that we have been through. So I just don't say anything, like the fucking coward I am.   
"I don't know what to do anymore", he says, sounding confused and tired. "I'm out of options. I just played my last card and now my hands are empty..." he says, his voice cracking at the end as he brings his hands up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "There's only so much you can do to save someone who doesn't want to be saved and I just... I just can't... anymore", he says, his voice breaking as his breathing gets louder. "I can't fucking do anything!" he whispers angrily as he whips his hands down from his face back to his hips. "I... can't do... anything", he says, his voice hopeless as he looks at his shoes. His eyes finally look up to meet mine. "But I'm not gonna sit around and watch you kill yourself again. Cause after your dead you won't give a shit," he laughs bitterly, "as if you give one now", he says with dark humor, "Cause your gonna be gone and you know where I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be the fucker burying the body!"  
he says, yanking his hands through his hair as he turns around and heads for the door. At the last second he stops and turns his head back to look at me. "Look, nobody knows better then I do the shit that you have gone through these past few years, and I don't know if you realize but when you die-" he says die with finality, as if he's already accepted the inevitable "-it doesn't magically get better, actually it gets so much fucking worse for those of us left behind and if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go and try to take back my mistakes so I can reduce the collateral damage", he says with a tone of betrayal, anger, and exhaustion, as he turns to leave, quietly shutting the door behind him politely as if he doesn't wanna disturb anyone else on the floor.


	28. Abandoned

PHIL'S POV  
Both Chris and I spring to our feet as we see Peej walking back toward us. The doctor came to tell us a couple minutes ago that Dan was awake and that Peej, as his emergency contact, was approved to go see him.   
Peej's eyes are downcast as he slowly walks toward us, so it's hard to get a good reading of his emotions. Chris walks up to him first, putting a hand on the side of his neck and resting their foreheads on each other's as they talked quietly. I can't hear what they are saying, but the exhausted look on Peej's face says his all.   
His eyes look over Peej's shoulder to meet mine as he releases himself from Chris's hold, still holding hands, and walks over to me.   
"I know nothing I say will change your mind so I'm not even going to try", he says. "I just hope you realize that this isn't something your going to be able to fix, I told you all that shit because I was hoping that there might be something left to save", he says resting his hand on my shoulder. "But there isn't, he's made up his mind and even though there's nothing I can do to change that I can try to limit the amount of people who get hurt", he says, his grave eyes staring into mine.   
"You know I don't have a choice", I say back.   
He nods, his eyes unfocusing from mine as he looks off into the distance, reliving something in his mind.   
"I know", he says, "but I do, and I'm sorry", he says, grabbing Chris's hand as they walk down the hall toward the exit. Peej's body practically collapsed against Chris, like the only thing holding him up anymore was Chris.

The door is an off white color, not quite matching the pristine white of the walls, but if you stood at an angle and looked at it quickly, you almost couldn't see it. You could almost pretend it wasn't there.   
I've been standing outside Dan's room for a couple minutes. The doctors gave my clearance to go inside but I can't get my hand to twist the knob. What if he doesn't want to see me? He has no idea that I know, am I just supposed pretend that I don't, can I even do something like that? What should I say to him? I have no right to the information I have been given and I don't know how to handle that.   
It's these thoughts that have me standing outside his room staring at the door while my heart races. Unsure what to do.   
A noise from inside shakes me out of my trance as I try to figure out what it was.   
At first I hear nothing and I'm about to dismiss it as my imagination when the sound comes again, the sound of harsh breathing.   
I open the door, not bothering to announce myself before I walk over to Dan.   
He's on his side, his back facing me, as he sobs into a pillow, trying to keep quiet.   
I falter in my steps when I get a look at his exposed back through his hospital gown, I can see every one of his ribs, and the skin that is exposed is way to pale and covered with faded bruises.   
I take a shaky breath, preparing myself.   
"Dan", I say, to get his attention. He freezes, apparently not realizing I was in the room. It takes him a second but eventually he rolls over onto his back, his breathing quick as he looks at the ceiling, tears quietly streaming down his cheeks. His hands are clenched on the sheets and I have to stop my gasp when I see them. The hospital Johnny hides nothing and I can fully see the sheer extent of his scares on his arms, some are newer, more puckered and darker red while others are faded white scars on his otherwise tan skin. His fingers clench as if he can feel me looking at his scares, showing off how thin his wrists and arms have become.   
"You should leave", he says, his voice rough from not being used. "I don't see how I can", I say back, my voice quiet. "Phil", he says his voice cracking, still refusing to look me in the eye, "You have to leave", he says, his voice breaking as he closes his eyes and silently sobs.   
I ignore his words and walk up to his bedside, grabbing a chair to sit next to him.   
"Listen Dan, I know you hate me and I make you uncomfortable and you don't want me here but I can't just leave, not like this", I say my voice broken. He inhales a shaky breath and let's out a broken laugh. " I don't hate you at all Phil", he says before a dark cloud comes over his face, "that's not the problem at all", he says as sadness crosses his face. "What do you mean", I say, confused. He signs quietly, an odd look comes over his face, a sort of defeat as well as determination, and he tenses, seeming to brace himself. "The real problem is the fact that I actually do... I actually do like you... but I can't... I'm not... I just... I can't be...", he says, his voice trailing off at the end. "Dan, it's okay", I say, my voice soft, "you don't have to pretend for me, I know you don't want to hurt my feelings and I appreciate that but you don't have to lie for me either", I say. He grunts, "I'm not lying", he says, his voice sharp, "I'm trying to be honest for once in my fucking life but I can't, I can't because I'm fucked up, Phil you have no idea how fucked up I am, I'm so fucked up, I fuck up everything I touch, everyone around me gets hurt, they leave or they die, everyone, everyone does", he says, the words running together as he tries to get them out. "I don't want you to leave Phil... I... don't want you... to get hurt...", he whispers. My heart stops and I lean over his bed, putting my hand on his face as I slowly turn it to face mine so that he can't avoid looking me in the eye. I wait for his beautiful brown eyes to shift over to mine before telling him, "you don't have to worry about me Dan", I whisper, "cause I think your amazing, and as long as you want me around, I'm not going to leave", I say, rubbing my thumb along his too prominent cheek bone, "and I'm not going to leave you", I say staring into his eyes.   
He stares at me for a few seconds, seeming caught in his own mind before he suddenly jerks his face toward mine and uses his hand to pull mine toward him. I'm shocked, and for a few seconds my brain can't quiet process what is happening and I don't move. He pulls back, an embarrassed look of self hatred on his face as he opens his mouth to make some excuse.   
I cut off that excuse before he can say it by pulling his face back up to meet mine as my lips curve around his. He seems shocked for a second but soon recovers and twists his hands in my hair, pulling me closer to him. I trace the outside of his face as our lips dance together and my heart explodes. Dan actually likes me, he admitted it and the only reason he pushed me away was because he was afraid of hurting me. I stroke his face, feeling happy for the first time in forever. We can finally be together.   
The thought fades from my mind as quickly as it entered my mind, I'm being stupid, Dan isn't gay, he's more then proved that, this is probably him feeling guilty for treating me like shit. He's confused, he doesn't know what he's feeling and here I am, taking advantage of him when he's hurt and emotional. Wow I am such a dick, I can't believe I even thought this was real, I'm such an abuser.  
I pull away from, feeling extremely guilty as I see the look of confusion on his face.   
"Dan... you don't have to pretend to be someone your not for me and I'm sorry for putting you in this position, that was really messed up of me to do", I say, not meeting his eyes. "Wait what", he says, sounding confused. "Listen I'm sorry, I'll leave you alone, I'll stop bugging you, I'll just get out of your life, I'm sorry", I say, getting up and moving quickly towards the door. "Wait what, Phil? Phil stop!", Dan yells as I leave the room. I can still hear him calling Phil as I jog down the hall, tears falling from my face as I angrily brush them away. I'm so stupid, so stupid, I chant in my head as the door swings shut behind me.


	29. Disgusting

PHIL'S POV

Disgusting.   
I don't even know who I am anymore. I never was a cheater, never thought I had it in me to do something like that.   
As I hail a taxi to take me back to school outside of the hospital, I feel numb, despite the cold wind, I can't feel anything.   
I climb into the cab, telling the driver where to go as I settle into the seat.   
I don't even realize that I'm moving my thumb across my lips for a moment and jerk my hand back when I do, disgusted at myself.   
Dan's had a rough life, full of people abusing his trust and his emotions to get what they want, not caring how much he suffers because of it. And I'm no better then any of these people. So caught up in my own personal wishes that I not only cheat on my boyfriend, but kiss a guy that I barely know, who clearly doesn't want to be around me, who was just admitted to the hospital for malnutrition and hypothermia and is now being kept on a 3 day suicide watch!  
I twist my hands together, feeling exhausted yet twitchy, unable to sit still.   
I need to leave him alone, ever since school started and we met he's been nothing but miserable, I've been selfish for far too long, pushing my way into his life, talking to his friends behind his back, it's time I step back before he does something that can't be taken back.   
The jerking stop of the cab pulls me out of my thoughts as I look out the window.   
Damn it. The cabbie went to the other side of the school, the opposite from my dorm. I get out of the cab anyway, too tired and embarrassed to ask the cabbie to drive me around the block. It's not that long of a walk and I honestly need it to help clear out my head.   
The cold breeze manages to center me and allows me to think more clearly. The walk also calms me down, giving my body something to do so my mind can think.   
Besides staying away from Dan, there's one other thing I need to do. The last thing I ever thought I would be doing today but regardless, something that needs to be done.   
I've got to break up with Troye. It doesn't matter that me and Dan are never going to be together. I owe it to Troye and to myself to be honest about what I've done and accept the consequences.   
With my mind made up, I text him. Asking if he's home, because there's something we need to talk about. After a few minutes he answers with a tentative yes and I change my path. Heading toward the red brick building that is his dorm I stuff my hands in my pockets to contain the shaking, as I climb up the stairs into the building. 

3 hours later 

I've been tracing a pattern of the chipped glass on the edge of my window while laying on my bed for the past half an hour. Unable to go to sleep yet too exhausted to get up. I feel bone tired, like I've aged years in one day. I finally give up on the tracing and turn over onto my back, pulling the covers over head and submerging myself in the darkness. I thought this would be better but instead of seeing the drifting rain outside of my window, I see Troye's face looking up to me as I tell him what I've done. At first he was confused and then he was resigned, comforting even. Which I wasn't expecting. I was prepared for anger and sadness, even indifference, but I wasn't at all prepared for sympathy. He didn't even seem that surprised, which made me feel even worse, like he was waiting for this.   
"Phil... Phil!", he says, breaking through my rant about how sorry and useless I am.   
"It's okay", he says, his voice full of sadness.   
"More then anything, I guess I just want you to be happy".   
I yank my covers off of my head, twisting myself to lay on my side as if I'm going to sleep, when for a fact I know sleep will never come.


	30. Displaced

One week later

DAN'S POV

They are finally releasing me from the hospital today. I'm surprised Dr. Izomer didn't demand to keep me later, but I guess there is no real reason for me to stay anymore.   
I've basically given up on having a reason for anything anymore.   
I twist the sheets in my hands to avoid rubbing my wrists, the feeling of pain there that I've become so used to has nearly faded and the doctors get mad at me if I try to open old wounds.   
Besides my doctors, I haven't spoken to anyone since I woke up, Peej is ignoring my calls and every time I text Chris he says that he doesn't want to get in the middle of things. And with the two of them out of my life I am officially out of friends. My erratic behavior this year has basically forced me to sever ties with my few remaining friends; like Alfie.   
I refuse to think of the one other person that has become a constant fixture in my life over these past months. He's made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with me. And who could blame him. I'm a depressive, suicidal, bastard who can't even manage to successfully kill them self.   
My head jerks up when I hear the door open and I try to sit up straighter, to appear more put together when Dr. Izomer enters.   
She looks me up and down before focusing on my eyes, she doesn't seem fooled.   
"Everything is ready for your release Daniel", she says. Standing to the side with her clipboard balanced on her hip, she looks me straight in the eyes, daring me to look away. Despite her words she gives off the impression of not believing I am ready to be released.   
I know she's right but I can't stand to be in this room another second. It reminds me of all the past reasons I've had to be in a hospital.   
She darts a quick glance to my hands, which I just now noticed are still rubbing together, I jerk to a stop, angry that she berates me for things I can't help.   
"Let's go then", I say, impressed at my ability to keep my voice level.   
"I'll give you a minute to change", she says, before leaving the room.  
I change as fast as my shaky limbs will let me before opening the door and walking to wear she is waiting down the hall. She gives me a nod and we head over to a desk where I am handed paperwork to fill out.   
It takes me over an hour to finish all the paper work, apparently in order to be released Dr. Izomer has required that I attend weakly group therapy and I have a return appointment in about a month, to see if I'm doing any better.   
I don't care. I doubt I'll even go, and I don't care what they will do to me because of it.   
After finishing the paper work I stand from my chair pulling my phone out of my pocket to call an Uber. After making sure that Steven was going to the right address I look up, about to make my way down the hall but instead I'm stoped by Dr. Izomer.   
It startles me for a minute when I realize that I'm about a half foot taller then her. I've always known I was a tall guy but when I was looking up at her from my hospital bed she seemed miles taller then me.   
She starts off on some tirade about moving forward and battling demons and despite the fact that what she is saying is probably worth listening to, I can't focus. Everything around me seems so far away, even though I can see and touch it. I'm numb, displaced from the world.   
"Daniel-", she says, cutting into my thoughts, "did you hear anything I just said?"   
I nod and try to come up with some answer that looks like I was paying attention.   
She nods and backs up, apparently satisfied with whatever I said.   
I slide past her and walk down the hall, not really caring where I go as long as I get away from here.


	31. Conditions

PHIL'S POV

I walk into advanced lit with my head down, my senses numb and yet hyper aware. I don't sit next to Troye anymore. After breaking up with him last week I moved to a row near the back. However, the distance doesn't stop me from looking at him during the whole lecture and wishing things were different.   
I'm getting settled into my seat when the professor walks up to the podium, getting their things in order before class starts.   
I pull my notebook and a pen out of my bag, trying not to focus on the lack of doodles in the margins; not even drawing seems worth it anymore.   
I shift my eyes toward the front of the room, where Troye and I used to sit. He's not here yet and my eyes scan the classroom, trying to see if he's walking in late or not coming to class at all. I don't see any sign of him yet, and I try to ignore the flicker of worry in my chest, reminding myself that people get sick or just choose to sleep in, not everything is a catastrophe.   
A flash of movement to my right catches my attention and my heart skips a beat in my chest as I see Dan walk down the hall, he looks better but he's still so damn thin, his sweatshirt hanging off his long frame, the sleeves swallowing his hands, the hood shielding his face. Yet despite everything he has done to try to make himself look invisible, he's all that I can see.   
A couple other students look surprised when they see who is underneath the hood, two girls near the middle row have shocked expressions as they turn to whisper to each other.   
Dan doesn't even react, he just shifts his shoulders inward, to make himself seem smaller, and proceeds to go sit at a quiet corner in the room, pulling the hood further down his face, and hunching over until you can barely tell who is underneath all that black.   
Pretty soon the slight commotion that he caused fades out as the other students proceed to focus on the lecture that the professor is giving, and Dan gets his wish, he fades into the background.   
But not for me. I don't think I'm ever going to loose awareness for him. He's all that I can see. 

One week later 

DAN'S POV

The window is open. Which is making the room fucking freezing. I can't bring myself to close it though. The bite of pain that comes with the cold is the only release I have anymore.   
Dr. Izomer has me trapped.   
They won't let me cut anymore, it's a condition that I had to agree to in order for them to release me from the hospital, and I signed the agreement, thinking that they would never know what I did because I would never allow myself to go back to that hospital ever again, I didn't expect to have a doctor check my arms and legs the first time I went to group therapy, they weren't happy with what they found. I know she has my best interests at heart but without an outlet to express my pain, I'm completely raw on the inside and if I can't find a way to let go of this pain then I'm going to explode.   
Finally I can't take it anymore, I sit up on my bed and walk to the window to close it, trying to ignore the head rush that came with standing up.   
The slam of the window echoes in my ears as I look out of it. The wind is fierce tonight, ripping apart anything in its path, leaving the trees and bushing barely hanging on, their roots the only thing stopping them from being consumed by the chaos.


	32. Mother

Two weeks later

DAN'S POV

I'm at my weekly tutoring session with Troye when I get the call. These past two sessions with Troye has been awkward as fuck. Partially because I feel like shit for basically forcing Phil, his boyfriend! To make out with me while I was in the hospital, even though I've been nothing but horrible to him. I walked in the first day, expecting Troye to confront me about it, but he isn't acting any different at all and it's driving me insane, because that probably means that Phil didn't tell him, which probably means that they are still together.   
I try not to let the thought of Phil with anyone else get into my head too much cause it just bring a whole new round of pain, and unfortunately that kind of pain is not the kind I enjoy dealing with.   
So when my phone buzzes in my pocket I immediately grab it, wanting any excuse to get away from this awkward situation.   
"Hey I need to take this", I say, without bothering to check who is calling.   
"Sure no problem, take your time", Troye says with his natural kindness.   
I don't say anything back as I turn around toward the exit and start walking, answering the phone at the same time.   
"Hello?"  
"Is this Daniel Howell?" a voice on the other end says.   
"Yes...?" I say, confused about who would call me who wouldn't know it was me.   
"Hello this is Sharon, from North Manchester General Hospital and we are calling because you were listed as a next of kin for mister Robert Howell", the mention of my father's name makes my skin prick, "and we can't get ahold of his emergency contact, a miss Rachel Howell, so we were hoping you can come in and we can talk to you", she says in a formal tone.   
At first I don't know what to say, it's the first time I've heard my mothers name in 15 years, since she OD'd on pills, and even before that my father wouldn't say her name unless he was cursing her for shaming him, for being shame into this family, because of me, because of my eyes.   
"Daniel are you there?" the woman is saying.   
"Yes I'm here, ah I'll ah come down", I say my voice rough.   
"Go right up to a nurse at the front desk and they will direct you", she says before hanging up.   
I freeze with the phone still up to me ear, as memories buzz through my head, the first one; a smile, my mother's smile, sadly that smile didn't last for long. My next memory is the moment I realized that my father hated me, I must have been around 5, holding handing with my mother as we walked into a family friends house, the summer before she killed herself, I was really tired and I didn't wanna go to an adult party, I wanted to play with my toys at home, and there was this man my dad's age who made me feel uncomfortable and would touch me in weird places when nobody was looking, he seemed to like me though and I looked up to him because he didn't hurt me. I remember crying to my parents about not going home and my father slapping me across the face and saying "Real men don't cry, stop being a fucking pussy", while holding my face painful in his hand. When he let go I ran to hid behind my mom, crying still. She turned around a hugged me, pulling me close to her body as she said soft words into my ear.   
"Get your fucking bastard out of here Rachel, I don't have the patience to deal with either one of you today", he says before walking out the room without looking back.   
I'm still crying so my mom pulls my hand back from my face, smoothing her hand along my aggregated cheek she tells me, "Danny, you've got to be careful around daddy, whenever you get upset just hold it in, hold it in and come find mommy, and then mommy will hold you and you can cry", she wraps me up even tighter as I cling to her coat, "mommy loves you and mommy will never leave you alone", she says before kissing red cheek.

Troye's hand on my shoulder is what pulls me from my nightmare.  
I jerk away from his hand and put my hand up to defend my myself.   
"Whoa calm down Dan, I'm sorry for startling you", he says with his hands up in a defensive position.   
"You just looked a little lost for a second and I wanted to make sure your okay?", he says.   
I just stair. Completely caught off guard my his kindness as well as the phone call and the memories that came with it.   
"Yeah... fine", I say as I back toward the door before completely turning around and sprinting.   
I don't even know why I'm running.


	33. Done

DAN'S POV

I didn't know what to expect when I came to the hospital. Perhaps for my father to yell and kick me out, insulted that I thought I should even come.   
The one thing that I didn't expect was to be pulled to the side by a nurse after I told them who I was was, and told that my father had been in a bad car accident and that it wasn't looking good for him.   
I wasn't sure how to react, I just stared at the nurse, I'm pretty sure she thought I was in shock and fuck maybe I was. I don't even know what to think anymore.   
I don't remember much of the conversation after that but before I know it I'm being lead down a hallway in the ICU and escorted to a room. I stop outside of the door, unsure of what to and unable to think.   
My father wouldn't want me here, I'm nothing to him, my presence would just anger him.   
The nurse misinterprets my hesitation, saying, "how about I leave you alone for a minute? When your ready it's the first door on your right", she says in a soft tone and as she leaves she puts her hand shoulder and gives it what she thinks is a reassuring squeeze.   
I don't know how long I stand there after she leaves, maybe a minute, maybe a half an hour or more. Time fades out and I can't even think. I know I should have images of memories bad and good, if I even have any of those, flying through my head right now of my father but I feel strangely numb.   
I don't feel grief and I don't feel happiness. To put it simply, I just don't feel at all.   
What kind of monster doesn't feel anything when their father is probably going to die.   
Maybe I am as despicable as my father says, an abomination.   
An unfeeling bastard.   
With that thought in my head I push open the door, stepping into the semi-familiar room, every hospital room looks the same.   
I focus on the curtains, the off white, chunky, weirdly folded fabric, covering the windows. They are completely closed, blocking out the sun, making this pristine, white room dark and hopeless.   
Finally I can't take it anymore and my eyes shift to the bed.   
At first I can't fully comprehend what I'm looking at. It doesn't seem like my father.   
My father is a ... presence to say the least, he takes up all the air in a room when he stands in it and he always seems to stand 5 feet above everyone else.   
But near, now, he just looks... old. Old and broken. I've never noticed the gray around his temples, or the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, a mouth that's turned into a perpetual frown. Even in his sleep he's frowning, his eyebrows pinched over his green eyes, shut in sleep.   
His body is hooked up to brigade of wires, some I'm personally familiar with, the monitors next to his bed beeping with every breath he takes, I can't see any serious damage from where I am, a couple cuts and bruises along his face and hands. The real damage must be under the blanket.   
I stand there, unsure what to do, I guess I assumed he would be awake. Now I just feel awkward, I'm just about to leave when the nurse walks in and I back away from the door, trying not to get in the way.   
She smiles a kind smile at me and heads over to my father.   
"Mr. Howell?" she says, "your son is here", I flinch when she says the word, instantly feeling like I should leave. My father stirs in his sleep as he wakes up, blinking his eyes as he adjusts to his surroundings, focusing first on the nurse, who is taking his blood pressure, and then on me; his face instantly changes, hatred flaring in his eyes as he looks and me and I don't know why but that hurts, that my father hates me is no surprise but that while he's barely conscious and half dead, he still manages to look at me, the kid he raised, with contempt, is hard to ignore.   
I don't know what I expected though, it's not like my father is going to spring out of the bed, tell me he loves me and that he was wrong. No. No my father doesn't regret anything he's ever done, except probably keeping me.   
I feel my shoulders fold into myself as I try to make myself fade into the background. I want to disappear.   
My father, being the man is he doesn't say or do anything in front of the nurse, he's all about appearances, the foundation of the house can be rotting and barely holding itself together but as long as the outside is holding up then everything is okay, and when the house ultimately crumbs? Just cover it up. Pretend nothing happened and then everyone else will too.   
For better or for worse the nurse leaves and I take a good look at my father, the commanding force he always has is gone, and in its place is a blanket of cold hard hatred. No pretenses, no appearances to uphold, just hatred.   
"Get. The. Fuck .Out", he says with clenched teeth.   
I don't know why but suddenly I can't move, no matter how hard I wanna run from this room, run from him, I'm frozen.   
The fire flares in his eyes.   
"Father... I...", I stammer, unsure of why I'm even talking.   
"Don't call me that you fucking bastard",he says. "I'm done", he remarks in a biting voice, "I don't even give a fuck anymore!" he shouts before curling into his side and coughing, a really bad, hacking cough. "I want you gone", he growls when he recovers. "I want you to get the fuck out of the hospital, I want you to get the fuck out of this city, hell I want you to fucking kill your self!", he yells, "and you can't even manage to do that right!", he spits before he's taken over by another coughing fit.   
"GET THE FUCK OUT!" he yells, coughing even harder until the monitors by the bed start ringing and I'm pulled out of the room.   
It's all a blur around me as I'm pushed into the back of the room, as a crash cart is pulled in, as a team of hospital staff surround my father, a loud "CLEAR" rings in my ears as a male doctor grabs two peddles and places them on my fathers chest, the room goes silent. Suddenly another loud "CLEAR" rings in the room and everything stops again. The staff around me begin to pull me away from the room, shuffling me down the hallway as my vision fades in and out, and the world shifts underneath my feet.   
"CLEAR"


	34. Suffocating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of self harm

PHIL'S POV

The news comes in an unexpected way. A tragically formal way.   
This morning while I was walking to class I notice a News notification on my phone, the name of my school at the top of the notification causes me to open up the article immediately and start reading it and when I finish I'm shocked, I stop right in the middle of the crowded hallway, ignoring the people who have to push around me to get to class.   
Robert Howell, the chancellor of our school, also known as Dan's horrible father, died in the hospital at 5:37 yesterday afternoon.   
I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I can't even function, instead I just stand in the hallway, like a rock breaking apart a stream as students push me and each other to get around me, but I don't even notice.   
Half of me is screaming to go find Dan, to comfort him and care for him, the other half, my more rational half, is saying that this is none of my business and I shouldn't poke my nose in where it doesn't belong.   
In the end I make a decision, I don't know if it's the right one but it's the only one that feels possible to me.   
I go to class.   
I know I'm not going to be able to focus at all today but I can't influence Dan's emotions anymore then I already have, no matter how messed up his dad was you don't just get over the death of your father easily. He and I aren't even friends and I have no business pushing myself into a situation where I am not needed or wanted.   
Though a small part of me still wishes he will talk to me about it- I stop that thought before I even get the chance to understand it. He's not mine, so his problems are not mine to share.   
I square my shoulders as I walk off to class, already knowing that this is going to be one of the longest days of my life. 

DAN'S POV

Peej left 15 minutes ago, and since I left him out, I've been standing inside my room right in front of my door the entire time.   
I was kinda surprised to see him here, since he hasn't been talking to me lately, but I guess the death of a parent was enough that even he couldn't stay away. Go figure.   
I lean my head against the door jamb, as I pound my fist on the wood, I can't think, fuck I can barely breath anymore, everything hurts, and I want to cut... no... I need to to cut. I need an out, I can't handle this anymore.  
My breaths come out in little short pants as my tense body leans against the wood.   
I can feel my arms twitching. I need to cut, I need pain, I need an out, I need it to stop... I need everything to stop.   
I'm unaware that my legs have given out until they hit the floor. I just roll with it, shifting my body until I'm lying with my back on the floor, staring at the ceiling, it helps calm the trembling some.   
I wish I could just sink into the floor, I close my eyes and picture it every time I breath in and out, as if every exhalation pulls me further into the earth, away from everything and everyone...  
My eyes fly open as my hands reach for my throat.   
Choking... suffocating.   
Under the earth... disappearing... being consumed...  
I pant as I catch my breath, my thoughts warring with reality.   
A shaky sob come out of my throat as I press my hands on my face, over my eyes, squeezing my head while my hands shake, as I sob without tears.


	35. Shadow

PHIL'S POV

The rain pounds around me as I walk back from class, hiding under my umbrella.   
I was right.   
I couldn't focus at all today, all the worst possible situations were running through my head; Dan in pain, Dan cutting, Dan killing himself, accidental or otherwise. There's been a couple times throughout the day that I almost broke, that I almost went to see him, the only thing that stopped me from doing just that was the texts from Peej.   
I got the first one a couple hours after I heard the news, it was basic, to the point, but also what I needed to hear.

Stopped by the see Dan today, doesn't look good but doesn't look that bad either, kinda out of it but I think it's just the shock. I hope this will be good for him. Anyways thought you would want to know   
-Peej

He's sent me a couple more after that, all of them similar, the fact that Peej didn't seem particularly worried was the only thing that kept me in my seat.

The wind whips around me, chilling me to the bone, despite my multiple layers. I bunch my coat even tighter, trying to keep warm as well as maintain ahold of the umbrella so I'll stay relatively dry.   
A dark shadow off to my right catches my eye, and despite my first impulse to ignore it I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong.   
Despite the rational side of my brain that is arguing that this could only mean trouble. I step off the sidewalk, looking both ways before I cross the road. Over to a road more off to the side, where the dark shadow is.   
I'm running before I even understand what I'm seeing, my instincts telling me everything I need to know.   
When I get to him my first thought is that he's dead, I'm not sure how, maybe hit by a car or suicide. He's laying down in the middle of the road, face up toward the sky. All I can see are his open eyes as they stare out into the night sky, despite the rain pouring down at the same time.  
"Oh my god...", I sob, my hand coming up to cover my mouth as the tears form in my eyes.   
The sound of my voice must register with him because as soon as I talk his eyes shift over to mine and I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of pain and suffering in them. I expect him to look away once he notices me here but he doesn't, he just keeps staring at me, as if he's trying to memorize my face.   
"Dan?", I say, unsure what I'm asking.  
He doesn't say anything or react at all, just continues to stare at me with the expression of a drowning man who has finally found air, but cannot reach it, and has condemned himself to a slow and painful death.   
"Dan?", I say again, frozen as lightning flashes in the sky. The light from the strike brightens the space around me, making his beautiful brown eyes shine silver in the night.   
It also wake me up enough to realize that I need to get him out of this storm.  
I step over him, his beautiful eyes still watching me without fear, untilI reach down and grab his shoulder, pulling my arm under his shoulders so I can hoist him up to walk with me.   
I don't know where his mind has gone but it is not a good place as he whips away from me, panic flaring in his eyes as he staggers back on unsteady feet, almost falling over himself.   
I hold my hand up in a defensive position.   
"Dan it's me".  
"Dan it's Phil".   
"Phil?", he says, his voice rough from disuse and fear.   
I nod, "Yeah it's Phil", I wave my hand in a gesture for him to come toward me, "let's go home".   
He stares at me for a couple seconds, seeming caught up in a war between reality and what's going on in his head. I don't say anything, not wanting to push him. Finally he staggers toward me, his gait uneven, he looks exhausted.   
I lift my arm up, but don't put it around him, giving him the option to accept my support.   
He hesitates for a second, panic flashing in his eyes before he takes a deep breath and tucks himself into my side, wrapping his arm around me shoulders.   
His body is freezing against mine and it doesn't take long for my worry to come back, I need to get him home before gets hypothermia again.   
I wrap my arm around his waist, trying to give him as much space as possible and yet still support him. His body is tense, but he takes a deep breath and relaxes against me, leaning his head on my shoulder as I stagger forward a couple steps.   
He tries to make it easier for me but he is shivering the whole time, his body shaking in great waves from the cold as well as the sobs he's trying to hold in at whatever memories are taking over his mind.   
I stop us for a moment, turning around to face him so that he can see it's me.   
I cup his face in my hands.   
"Dan", I say, staring into his eyes, "I will never hurt you". He clings to my eyes, his body shaking harder then ever as I pull his forehead toward me so that I can place a kiss on it.   
He starts shuddering so badly that he has to wrap his arms around me to avoid falling into the pavement.   
I wrap my arms around him as well, holding him tight against me and refusing to let go, no matter what happens.


	36. Never

PHIL'S POV

I manage to get Dan back into the dorm without being seen. It was difficult to say the least, Dan could barely keep himself upright and the rain definitely wasn't helping either.   
I push through the door, and make a right. Heading for his room. It takes him a couple seconds to pull his key out from his wallet cause his hands are shaking. I wrap one of his hands in mine as I take the key from his hand and he shivers, closing his eyes as a pained expression crosses his face, he squeezes my hand.   
I pull him into his room, instantly chilled by the freezing air, there's no way he will be able to get warm enough in here.   
I lead him slowly into the bathroom and as we pass the threshold his face goes white as he stares at the tub. Memories flashing in his eyes.   
I stop when we are standing next to it. Giving him the chance to say something. He doesn't. He just stands there. Staring.   
I squeeze his hand and tell him "I'll leave you alone now but I'll be right outside the door if you need me okay?", before turning around and starting to walk away.   
His hand refuses to let mine go and I jerk to a stop. Looking at his back as he refuses to look at me.   
"Will you just... will you just turn around for a minute... but don't leave", he says. Still not looking at me. I nod, even though he can't see me, and when I step forward this time he lets me. I walk forward a few step and then lean against the wall. My back toward him. I can hear as he starts the tub and begins to take his clothes off, to give him some privacy i tell him "I'm gonna go grab some clothes from my room, I'll be back in a minute", before walking out of the room and into the hall. I quickly go to my room and take off my wet clothes, throwing them in the sink I take a second to grab some dry clothes and throw them on before making my way back to his room. I knock on the bathroom door before entering, just to let him know I'm here, before quickly opening the door and standing off to the side so I'm not facing him. I can hear him getting settled for a few seconds.   
"Okay... you can come over now...", he says, his voice strangely shy.   
I turn around. Keeping my eyes off him as I go and settle myself on the floor near the end of the tub. From this point I can only see his face and the tops of his shoulders, shockingly thin amongst his tan skin.   
He still won't meet my eyes. Instead he's looking down into the water, perhaps looking for answers to appear out of nothing, and fix the mess his life has become.

"He didn't want me there", he says out of the blue. I shift my eyes up, not surprised to find that he still isn't looking at me. I don't say anything.   
"I don't even know why I care", he says sounding broken, "he didn't care", he whispers his voice breaking at the end.   
"And now he's gone", he says in a flat voice, his eyes finally lifting to meet mine.   
"But he's not, not really", he growls, "he's here, he's always here!", he shouts at the end, cupping his head in his hands as he digs his fingers into his hair.   
"He won't leave...", he whispers, curling into himself.   
I get up and move closer to him slowly, sitting next to the side of the tub I take a risk and slowly bring up hand up to touch his arm.   
He flinched, water splashing as he looks at me with frightened eyes. I still my hand, keeping it raised so that he can make the choice. After a couple seconds he starts to relax and turns so that he can lean his body against my hand.   
The skin underneath my hand is cold, but starting to warm from the hot water, though he is shivering even worse now.   
He lowers his head, his eyes closed as he tries to relax.   
"Thank you". 

DAN'S POV

Today has been absolute hell to say the least. I don't even remember leaving the dorm, I don't remember choosing to lay in the road, hell I barely remembered the walk back. But I know that I'm going to be able to remember this moment right now for the rest of my life.   
The past is warring with the present in my mind right now. My thoughts of what I want versus what I've been told I can't have.   
I shiver again at the feel of Phil's hand on my shoulder. I'm naked now in a way I've never been with anyone else before.   
We stay in that position a few minutes as I get comfortable and eventually the water starts to turn lukewarm.   
The removal of Phil's hand from my skin makes me shiver as he walks out the door and into my room, I can hear him opening the dresser and grabbing a pair of clothes. He walks back over and hands them to me before facing the other way. I get out of the tub on shaky feet, the cold air instantly making my skin prickle. I grab a towel that is hung up next to me before drying my body and dressing in the sweatshirt and sweats he brought me.

After I'm dressed I just stand there. Unsure of what to do. He seems to sense my hesitation and stays silent as he waits for me to make a move.   
I know what I want and I don't know what's holding me back anymore. My dad is dead but the ghost of him in my head still haunts me.

"You fucking faggot", he growls as he slaps me across the face. "How could you do this to this family! People are talking about you! About us!", he yells...  
"Daddy", I say as I walk into his room. I was five and had just had a really bad nightmare and wanted comfort. "Daddy I'm scared", I said when I saw him. "Get the fuck out of here, I'm not your whore mother so don't come to me like I am", says without looking at me as he continues to do work at his desk.

"Look how about I just go okay, just text me if you need anything", I'm jolted back to the present as Phil turns around to leave. My initial instinct is to not say anything, to let him leave, to let everyone leave. But... I can't be alone right now, I don't know what I might do to myself if I was and... I don't want him to go.   
"No... please... please stay?", I choke out. He stops, seeming shocked for a second before nodding his head slowly and waiting by the door for me to choose what to do.   
I've stood here for long enough.   
I make my way slowly out the room, stopping a little at the sight of the bed, as bad memories explode in my head, I shut them down, refusing to give them power in this space.   
I turn off the lights, giving myself a second to relax I start to make my way over to the bed. I can feel Phil watching me, unsure what to do. I should probably say something but I just can't form the right words to express what I'm feeling right now.   
I pull back the covers from both sides of the bed before going to my preferred side and getting under the covers. I can feel Phil's uncertainty in the air. He's not going to do anything unless I say something.   
"Please", I whisper. It's all I can manage.   
He seems to collect himself before walking over to the other side of the bed and getting under the covers himself. We are pretty far apart on the bed not touching yet barely inches apart. I turn on my side to face him.  
Needing to see him.   
Needing to remind myself he's here.   
He stares at me back, unashamed, curiosity in his eyes.   
I shuffle a bit closer to him, reaching my hand through the covers until I find his.   
He grips it tight and brings our combined hands up to his mouth to kiss them.   
The sentiment makes my eyes burn so I look away, desperate not to lose it again.   
"I'm sorry", he says.   
I squeeze my eyes tighter, not able to process the amount of sincerity in his voice.   
"Come here", he says, "please", he whispers.   
I open my eyes and shuffle closer to him so I can tuck myself into his side. I let out a shaky breath as I try to relax. His hand rubs my back in a soothing motion as he looks into my eyes.   
"Phil", I say.   
"Dan", he says.   
"Please don't leave", I whisper in a choked voice.   
He looks into my eyes for a long second before slowly bring his mouth to mine for a loving kiss.   
"Never"

THE END


End file.
